


Forever my first

by beeluv



Category: Bangtan, bts, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:07:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22629100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beeluv/pseuds/beeluv
Summary: Taehyung and Jungkook were in love and then life happened. It went to hell and his heart was broken, 6 years later they meet again when Taehyung becomes BTS makeup artist
Relationships: Additional tags to be added - Relationship, Ex lovers - Relationship, I suck at tagging - Relationship, Jeon Jungkook & Kim Taehyung | V, Jung Hosoek - Relationship, Kim Namjoon - Relationship, Kim Namjoon | RM/Kim Seokjin | Jin, Kim Seokjin - Relationship, Min Yoongi - Relationship, NamJin, Park Jimin - Relationship, adult language - Relationship, anal sex - Relationship, baby jungkook - Relationship, blow jobs - Relationship, eventualy fluff - Relationship, lots of fluff - Relationship, sex talk - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here goes my first BTS ff. Please be nice  
> I suck at editing 🖤

“Lymphatic Cancer..” the hand that’s clutched in mine jerks but I just stare at the doctor. The words coming out of his mouth sounding so foreign I can’t seem to understand so I look away. I look right into my mother’s eyes and I know it’s real, so does she. She squeezes my hand harder and turns back to the doctor. Some words register, stage 4, spread to certain parts, chemotherapy needs to be started straight away. Chemotherapy… Mom listens intently, nodding to the doctor with tears dripping from her eyes. Even in this horrid moment, what might be the worst moment of my life I’m still managing to gain strength from her. Even when my mother just found out she’s in stage four cancer, I still cling to her, willing her to make it all better. 

It takes a while for everything to sink in. However, treatment doesn’t take that long to sort out, It’s done in a matter of minutes actually “baby” her voice cuts through the thick fog in my head and I blink at her. She looks.. good? I can’t fathom how after everything, she cradles my face in those tiny hands of those, her thumbs swiping under my eyes and she promises me with everything she has “listen to me Kim Taehyung, we’ve been through a lot together. Some real shitty things but we’ve always come out on top. This is no different, I’m going to fight this” her voice holds so much conviction I almost believe her but I notice the tremor in her hands, I see the fear in her beautiful eyes, no matter how hard she tries to hide it. I place my hands on top of hers and I find any strength I can gather “we fight this together” 

“I’m sorry about your Mom” my boss says to me and he sits down at the table, his mouth tight and my stomach rolls. I know this look, I’ve seen it multiple times and my head pounds “I’m sorry Tae, our artists are leaving and we aren’t pulling in enough like we used to” he says, sounding genuinely upset and my mouth feels like I just swallowed a whole lot of cotton. I need this job now more than ever, Moms insurance can only cover so much of her medical bills and damn there will be plenty of those. “Look, my friend is a choreographer for this group. I’ll give him your number, maybe something will open up” he says and claps a heavy hand on my shoulder and I just nod dumbly. I walk and pack up my shit and on my way out I eye our the pictures on the wall of the office. 

Our clients so pretty, my heart and soul painted onto their faces. Girls and boys, actors, actresses, singers and dancers. I stop when I see the very first client I ever had many years ago, they were a debuting girl group. My lips stretch into a involuntary smile, how makeup has changed over the years. I was only 22 when I assisted on this. Straight out of school and I somehow landed this job, I was star struck and all I could remember is how beautiful they where and how intimidated I was, until they opened their mouths and I just fell in love. There’s something so magical how makeup can transform a person, how even though these people that are already naturally stunning, somehow become even more when they’re ready. I’ve always thought myself an artist, it’s just that my canvas comes in a form of a face, or a body.

Mom would always say that I’d never been seen without a sketch pad within reach, I was a terrible doodler. Scribbling on everything I could find, our walls copped the brunt of it, I’d always feel bad watching Mom walk past my new drawing on the hallway and just sigh. My drawings got better and better and Mom never hindered my artistic views and she did everything in her power to give me every possible opportunity to progress. Makeup came later, I was always great with a paint brush but it was in college that I discovered that I was also pretty good with a makeup brush. It started out with a few girls across the hall, then the girls in the next building. Soon enough I was known as KT beauty. 

It was a fun gig through college, I didn’t know how I’d go after I graduated but I was ready for whatever was out there. “You’ve done some incredible things Tae, this is just a shitty hiccup in your story. You’re destined for so much”. 

Everything moved so fast from that moment I needed a second to catch my breath, Mom started therapy the next week and I went job hunting because even though I had savings, it wouldn’t be enough. I move back into my childhood house and considering everything that’s happened in the last week, oddly enough I feel like everything will be okay.  
My phone vibrates in my hand and I see a email from my old boss, “I got you an interview kid, it’s a big one. Show up and rock their worlds, this will be great”. 

The taxi stops at the address and I take a deep breath, you got this Taetae. I step outside and I immediately recognise the building and my stomach drops, I knew the address sounded familiar. I turn around ready to jump back in the car before the driver speeds off into traffic, no I can’t do this, I can’t see him. I frown at the sky high and my breakfast threatens to come back earth side, Jaehyung didn’t leave me any more details other than “it’s a big one” and I’m confident enough in myself and have been to enough interviews to not look up the company. Rookie error Kim Taehyung because right now you’re standing outside of Big Hit Entertainment and somewhere inside that building is someone that he’d rather not see. I don’t know why Jaehyung ever though I would be able to do this? My hands shake dialling his number “hyung? What the hell?” I yell into the phone before his ex boss even says hello “Good morning KT, what’s the matter?” He asks with a smile in his voice and I squint my eyes “why am I standing in front of Big Hit?” I push out and he just sighs on the other end of the phone “Tae, I don’t know why you have so little faith in yourself” he says and my heart pulls. I know exactly why and so does he “why do you have so much faith in my hyung?” I ask eyeing the building that doesn’t seem to end “because you’ve showed me time and time again that I could count on you. That not once in 8 years have you ever let me down, I trusted you with some of the most important people in my life. Taehyung, you are the only person who doesn’t believe in you”. Silence hangs between us and I kick the gutter, my black doc martens keeping my toes safe. “Walk in there and show them what you’ve got”. 

So I do, with shaking hands and a trembling heartbeat I audition to become a senior makeup artist in the biggest entertainment company in South Korea because no matter my personal experiences, no matter what happened all those years ago I would be stupid not to audition. He probably doesn’t remember me right?. “Hi” someone steps up beside me and startled me “oh, I’m sorry” the young girls cheeks darken and I smile, she’s cute “Hi, I’m Taehyung” she bows at me “I’m Hye Jin, are you applying today?” She asks, her bambi eyes and high cheek bones has my fingers twitching, she’d be an ideal client “yeah but I’m so far out of my depth here, I’m freaking out” I whine and then straighten my shoulders, I’m standing here complaining to this kid “Taehyung-ssi, I’m a high school drop out with a four year old daughter at home. I just graduated last week, I’m freaking out” she pushes out through her teeth and I look at her shocked, this young girl standing here about to shoot her shot because she has no other option, she has a kid at home and she needs to show up “there’s something about you Taehyung, for some reason I know you’re good. I hope you do well today” she walks off and I’m left smiling like a dick head. 

The day is intense and there is so much talent here, so much more then he can process but he keeps at it, putting every bit of himself in it and preying he doesn’t get burnt. “Okay if you hear your number please follow through to the next room, unfortunately if you don’t hear your number, thank you for your time” I cringe and just listen “4408, 4496, 4467..” on and on and with each number that isn’t mine my stomach twists even further in on itself “4476” the number registers familiar and I release a breath. Come on Tae, you got this. 

“Alright, congratulations to everyone here, you’re now at one of the last trials. Everyone here has proved their artistry but now you’re going to work on an actual face” these kids walk in and I eye each of them silently. Some of younger artists don’t know what to do with themselves and I just smile slightly, these kids are from the group who just debuted with Big Hit. Cute as a button really but not my type in the slightest. JiHyun, the person who has been running this whole day calls a few numbers out and I never see them again “we just lost 8 people because they all of a sudden forgot what to do as soon as they saw the members. These guys are your clients, nothing more and nothing less. You are here to help them and will help them everyday, they need someone they can trust. Now #4476, choose your member” he looks at me and I scan each member and I quickly find my canvas. 

“Taehyung, you are seriously amazing” Hye Jin latches onto my arm and whispers, I’m so happy she’s made it to the last round. I truly hope she gets a job out of this. “You can talk, I saw you back there. Your daughter must be so proud” I say and her eyes mist over “thank you, seriously thank you for saying that” 

It’s the end of the day and I’m exhausted, I’m positive I’m older than most of the people here and I just want to go home, pop open a bottle of wine and cuddle my mom. “Thank you for all coming today, you all did exceptionally. Unfortunately we can’t hire everyone and we can’t just hire anyone. We’re a big family here at Big Hit. So that being said, keep your phones close we’ll be in touch”  
It’s a week, a week and I’ve had 3 more interviews because like hell would I be sitting there hoping but it’s been so long and I’m assuming it’s a no, until my phone rings “Hello, Kim Taehyung speaking” I say formally “Kim Taehyung, it’s JiHyun from Big Hit entertainment” my heart stalls and then races all at once “I’m calling to tell you that your application is successful, it wasn’t a decision taken lightly but everything you showed us, your portfolio, prior clients and work history proved exactly what we want for the head of our styling team” head of styling team. 

“Baby, you got the job. You were chosen out of thousands, they chose you. Stop stressing about what you need to wear” Mom sighs from my bedroom door and walks to where I’m sitting under a pile of designer clothes, nothing that I want to wear. “Mom, I got the job yes and I would really love to keep it. I’m not going to walk in there wearing just anything. I can’t do this” I whine looking at Mom. The whine gets caught in my throat when I see the dark circles around her eyes, I notice her already small figure getting smaller, I see the the thinning of her hair already starting. Mom is fighting her way through something so cruel and I’m sat here acting like a fucking child. “You could walk into that fancy place wearing a paper bag and they would fall to the knees for you my son” she grabs his chin and I just wrap my arms around her “I love you Mom” 

If Mom didn’t have chemo today, I probably would’ve made her walk me to work and if that doesn’t make me pathetic, I don’t know what does. I’m standing in front of the building and yep, still as intimidating a second time.  
“Kim Taehyung” someone calls inside the building and I smile at Jihyun “hello sir” I bow and he claps me on the shoulder “call my Jihyun, how you feeling?” He asks and his kind voice puts me at ease “I’m overwhelmed” I answer honestly and he smiles “but I’m ready” I calm my voice “good because you’re about to meet your new family, come on son” he says walking away and I swallow, following after him. Right into a room with too many people and everyone seems to be staring at me, everything goes silent and my back straightens.

My eyes scan the room, the massive conference room seeming so small with the biggest boy band in the world sitting in it. My eyes flirt over every one of them, there faces so etched already into my brain, the last one though? I just don’t know his face. I used to know his heart and he used to be mine. Never In my wildest dreams did I think I would meet him like this again, that day 8 years ago was it, that was the end and I thought I would never see him again. I’m unlucky as shit though and he isn’t, that’s why he debuted and became worldwide famous and I had to see his ridiculously beautiful face every corner I turned. It feels like everything slows down, he’s looking down at his hands and I let out a breathe. He used to do that a lot, just stare at his hands. Jeon Jeongguk is a man now, he was always bigger than me but now he’s just huge, his muscles have muscles and he’s the biggest person in this room by far. His face has changed too, he’s grown now and not the young man from back then. My skin itches and my breathing shallows out, he’s gonna look up any minute now and I just don’t know how he’ll take it. The picture of his red face and eyes raw, rain soaking the both of us as my heart gets shattered for the first time still so fresh in my eyes even though it’s been years. “Guys, your new head stylist. I’ll trust you take him in with open arms. Kim Taehyung” Jihyun finally says my name and that’s it, Jeongguk’s head rises with a Snap and right in this moment, for all I know, we could be the only two people in this room.


	2. Chapter two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s so short!!!!   
> I’ll update soon I promise

He stares at me for what feels like eternity and he’s all I see. Then, he looks away and that’s it I think, he doesn’t remember me. Why would he right? He’s Jeon Jeongguk, the golden baby of the biggest boy band in the world. Who the fuck am I to think Jeongguk would remember little old Kim Taehyung, his college fling, his first boyfriend that no one had a clue ever existed. He doesn’t remember me I’m sure, that is until, I see the tic in his jaw and I feel like shit. 

I swore to myself that I would never undermine our relationship. Jeongguk was the first person I ever loved, he’s who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, we just had different paths to take. I blink and introduced myself of course, these guys are my bosses now. Jeongguk is my boss, what a funny turn of events. I popped his cherry yet here we are, a smile involuntarily takes over my face and I look back to him, his eyes burning right into mine. He knew, I can tell, he knew exactly who they were hiring, he remembers me. That thought makes me stumble on my feet, everyone in the room watches me fall into Jihyun, right into his arms and I wish the floor would just open up and swallow us both. I gasp and reach for anything and his hands land on my waist, steadying me “are you okay?” Jihyun asks me, worry in his voice and I know my face red, I can feel it burning “I’m fine, thank you” I straighten and tell me why Jeongguk is the first person I look for? “I promise, I’m much more steady with my hands” I joke and their faces crumble, the innuendo that I mistakenly made didn’t go unnoticed and wow they really are just a bunch of men huh? “I’m so looking forward to working with you guys” I bow slightly, cheeks on fire. “Alright, Taehyung lets go meet your team now” 

I have a team, I feel like I’m not good enough to have a team. People who look at me for answers, people who use me for guidance, can I really give that? “I have a really good feeling about you Taehyung, everything is so scattered right now. We’ve done a complete overhaul of the staff in the company. Everyone is on edge” Jihyun explains cautiously, I think in silence and wonder what happened “you guys, the managers, hell all of the staff are important. The guys need people they can trust or it just doesn’t work. They’re our end goal, we’re happy they’re happy and when they’re happy, hundreds of millions of people are happy. Let’s meet your people”   
I walk into a room of eight people, a breath pushing out when I notice Hyejin. I’m so glad she got through, it’s so funny how you can feel so proud for someone you don’t even know. “I suggest you get to know each other, you guys will be spending a lot of time together” Jihyun says and leaves the room. 

After a while, it’s natural. It’s kind of scary how natural it is. There’s Hyejin of course, three other women and four men. There’s a nice range of ages and experiences, races and colours and I couldn’t have been happier “so you’re my team now I guess huh?” I ask like a dickhead but everyone just smiles sweetly at me and nods “well straight up, I have no idea how to lead a team but that’s what we are, a team. We need to be there for each other. I want to start this out right. I’m Kim Taehyung, born and raised in Daegu. My Dad passed away in my sophomore year of college and my Moms a saint. I’ve always been an artist but never in my wildest dream did I even think about becoming a makeup artist. I’m gonna need some help sometimes, my Moms sick and she’s my number one so I need you to step up for me but I have no doubt in my mind you guys are capable” I finish emotionally and everyone is silent “we got you Taehyung, we’ll have each other’s back right?” One of the girls Song Areum says and everyone nods and gums along and damn I have a really good feeling about this group “alright guys” we’re all sitting in a circle and everyone looks at me, guess I better get used to the attention “I don’t know what happened here, I’m assuming it was something big that garnered a whole staff overhaul but were not going to dwell on it okay? We’re here for one thing only and that’s all we worry about. I have a really good feeling about this team, let’s do well” everyone cheers and Hyejin grabs my hand “you’re going to do excellent Taehyungie”. 

It’s after ten o’clock before I even leave the building, I want to just curl in a ball and have Mom run her fingers through my hair, telling me that everything will be okay. I pause and straighten my shoulders, Mom needs a strong son right now, for the first time in my almost 28 years of living Mom is depending on me and that’s not something I take lightly. 

I’m not looking where I’m walking and I run into a wall, fucking hell this building is that huge I don’t even know how many times I’ve been lost today “you still go on and disappear into that thick head of yours huh?” The wall says and my breathing halts. I didn’t run into a wall, my hands aren’t clenched around a wall, no, they are fucking firmly wrapped around material that probably costs more than a years salary, they are resting on Jeon Jeongguk’s chest. “Open your eyes Taehyung” his voice penetrates and all of the memories come rushing back. No matter how many years have passed, nothing can protect me from the onslaught. 

The younger full of confidence in our first meeting in the library right up until the night I set him free. The way our friendship bloomed so effortlessly and I fell for him so damn hard even though I knew I was going to get hurt. The images of stolen kisses and soft touches making my eyes squeeze shut even tighter. The nights Jeongguk used to walk me back to my room, the way he used to take care of me even though I’m the hyung. The way we couldn’t be free and always looking behind our backs, always worried about getting caught out. The nights when Jeongguk used to tell me all about his hyung’s, talking with so much love and adoration and I would be jealous that they got to have him so freely. The way that when we were together, none of that matter, nothing did. Not his impeding debut, not the thousands of fans he already had, not the fact his agency didn’t know he was gay let alone have a boyfriend. I didn’t care about all of that, I only cared about him until it all changed and we couldn’t do it anymore, I couldn’t watch him agonise over his lover or his career any longer. 

My eyes open, staring right into his soul “Jeonggukie”.   
The nickname seems to snap something in him, he stumbles back a fraction and his eyes turn so dark it makes me shiver. I don’t know why I do it, maybe it’s the close proximity to Jeongguk for the first time and my mind just takes over but suddenly I find my hand moving on it’s own. See when he used to get like this I’d just run my fingers through his hair and down his beautiful face, he’d find some calmness. We both stand there on bated breath, my eyes move to my arm, willing it with everything I have but there’s no stopping it and just as it reaches, my fingers just feeling the first strands of hair that lay across his forehead he flinches away from me, my heart breaks for a second time “what do you think you’re doing?” He pushes out, anger in its most purest form lacing his words and my entire body jolts back. This isn’t my Jeonggukie, hasn’t been for 8 years but this man right here in front of me? I have no fucking clue who he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment, what’re you thinking?   
> Sorry for any mistakes in there.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *warning* slight mention of suicide  
> Lil bit of smut

It took me a long time to feel comfortable but as time went on, it just felt right. The team was exceptional and I couldn’t be more happier. I got used to this damn building, something I learnt fast because this quickly became my second home. My back and feet ache most of the time and I’d like to see Mom much more than I currently do but I’m reminded that everything I do, I do for her. Mom completely understands and she’s incredibly proud, boasting to her friends whenever she gets the chance.

The members? They’re fucking amazing, it’s been three months and I’m still stopped in my tracks completely when I watch them work. “Taehyung-ssi?” Jo, the head stylist catches my attention and I blink “what do you think?” She holds up an impressive sketch and my fingers itch. A million designs running through my head and I smile like a lunatic “that’s amazing, I think this will be a fine concept” I say and there’s head nods and agreements around the room. The fashion and makeup teams often work together, we have to really. If the face doesn’t match the clothes, then _what’s the point? It’s comeback season and t_ here’s something in the air, something I’ve never quite experienced before. “Let’s leave it here for now, we’ll meet again tomorrow night. Next week we have the press conference about the new release and the guys have a fan meeting. Good night and keep up the good work everyone” Jo says and everyone starts dispersing, bidding each other good nights.

  
My mind wanders for some reason and I remember back to when I got this job, the entire week before I started I did nothing but the band. Only coming up for air to eat, use the bathroom and take Mom to her appointments. Leaving the house after 8 straight days was a struggle, the sun burned. I watched thousands of videos, I studied their prior concepts, the fashion, the evolution of their makeup.

I then studied each member individually, their mannerisms, the way they walked and talk. Of course it was extremely hard when I got to Jeongguk, especially when I could pin point the exact videos where I would’ve been in his life. I’ve been a silent fan all along, no matter what happened between Jeongguk and I, nothing could have stopped me from supporting them. Even though none of them knew squat about me, I knew exactly how much each person in the group worked, how they put their lives on the line, their families lives. Each member sacrificed so much to get where they.

I watched and then rewatched them win their first award, something I must’ve have done a million times over the years, I cried with them every single time _.  
_

_“You watched right? Hyung, we won, we really won” I smile looking down at my phone, it’s well passed 11pm and I’m just about to leave the library and the tears just fall. My heart is so full of love and proudness for him it could just very well explode. Jungkook’s face, also tear stained but so so happy, stares back at me from there laptop in front of me. He just won his first music show award. My hands shake texting him back “I’m so proud of you” the video continues, he embraces his members. Their fans screaming and crying. Jungkook takes the mic and bows and thanks everyone who has helped them get to where they are, he thanks his members for always being there for him and most of all he thanks his fans “thank you Army, for believing in us. This is for you and T..” he pauses and looks right into the camera and everything goes silent. My fingers feather over the screen, my baby “just bow baby, don’t say another word. It’s okay Kook, I love you” I whisper and I see his shoulders fall a fraction as he hands the mic on. The camera spans away and I take a breath and close the laptop, my phone vibrates on the table “stay right where you are, I’m coming” I frown at the text “Gguk, you must be exhausted. Go home and get some rest” he messages back straight away “don’t move”. He’s always been such a stubborn kid, I look around to find no one in the library but Jeongguk just can’t walk in here at 12am at night and it not be suspicious. “I’m at our place” I text back and leave the library. The garden a block from my building, where no camera hits and is hardly ever occupied has been our saviour the past two years, I shield my eyes from a SUV headlights and my heart races when I see a large figure running. A second later I’m up into the sweetest embrace, my nose buried in his neck and I inhale. His arms squeeze entirely around my back and I melt completely “you didn’t need to come Gguk, I felt everything you wanted to say to me on that stage” he pauses and pulls back to look at me “you have no idea how much I wanted to scream for you up there” I smile and push the hair from his forehead “I love you, fuck I love you so much” he says before capturing my face and pressing his lips on mine, he swallows my gasp and I lick into his mouth. Jeongguk backs me into a tree and I groan at the feeling of the rough bark contrasting with everything else I’m feeling “hmm, I love you too” I say in between kisses, Jeongguk won’t stop and I laugh into our kiss “what are you gonna do? Rail me right here?” I ask kissing down the side of his jaw when he finally stops for air, he tilts his neck and grants me more access and I suck gently on his dewy skin “can I?” He asks breathlessly and I smile against his jaw bone, I rock my_ _hips against his and he groans, his eyes almost as black as the night “no” he pouts and I pull his bottom lip with my teeth, gently sinking them in it “not because I don’t want it” I take his hand that’s on my hip and place it right over my cock and his hand instinctively squeezes “but I’m sure you have a million other things to do right now” I turn in his arms my hands against the tree and press my ass into his crotch. His hands tighten around my hips hard enough to bruise and we moan simultaneously, probably not my best idea “but I’ll wait for you, I’ll always be here”._

Fuck I thought I was such a tease back then but the truth is, is that I would’ve done anything for Jeongguk, I did do anything for him and it was what broke me. I’ve just sat here for over an hour just staring into space with a dumb smile on my face “Taehyungie?” Hyejin walks into the room giving me a shock “what are you still doing here?” I ask as she sits down in front of me, crossing her legs gently. 

She has a baby at home, how does she do it “it’s hard” she says and smiles “I can see it on your face, I get that look all the time. “Oh but your so young, where’s your husband? What’s he do? You should be home with your baby” she laughs and fiddles with her fingers “I don’t pity you, I’m in awe of you” she looks up at me surprised by my comment “I don’t care that you’re single Hyejin, or that Dami wasn’t quite planned, I’m the last person you need to worry about getting judged from” I grab her hands and she wheezes mine “thank you Tae, really. You know exactly what to say. We’re a good team I think, me and you” she says and I couldn’t agree more “you know you can talk to me anytime right? About anything” Hyejin says and I look into her light eyes and I know she’s someone I can explicitly trust “you know I took this job for my Mom right?” Hyejin nods “I was in my senior year in college when my father committed suicide”

Hyejin’s mouth kind of just drops open but she says nothing “no note, no explanation nothing. Just one day he was gone. I felt like he could have taken a piece of myself with him” I look down at my hands, still clutched around Hyejin’s “I’m so sorry Tae” I smile grateful “it was a weird time for me, I still had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I was with my boyfriend for almost two years when it happened. My Mom was so strong but she could only hold it in so much and I just lost my shit and broke it off with him, the last thing he needed was to be dragged into my shit. I promised myself that I would sort my self out, I would find that missing piece of myself and I would go back to him and explain everything that happened”

I sigh, even to my own ears right now I can hear how selfish I sound. What I’m not tell Hyejin right now is how insecure I felt towards the end of our relationship, even before Dad killed himself. How Jeongguk consumed my entire being, the missing part I thought my father took was nothing compared to the part Gguk had. I was nothing, I didn’t deserve Jeongguk, I couldn’t be the one holding him back, so I let him go. “Did you find it? Did you ever see him again?” She asks, hope in her voice and I nod “I found myself, eventually my Mom finally told me that my father went bankrupt because he made a stupid investment with someone he shouldn’t have. His entire company lost out and he couldn’t live with himself. We rebuilt our lives but I never had enough guts to find him. I didn’t think I had the right to contact him” I sigh and Hyejin looks at me “you went through something really rough, do you think he would have been able to be there for you?” She asks and I pause. I want to say yes, I really do but it just wouldn’t have worked. Jeongguk was set to go on a world tour, his life wasn’t completely his own.

Jeongguk already had to think of so many people before himself, I was not going to add myself to the list. He couldn’t just run to his boyfriend when I was thrashing, sweat covering my bed sheets, screaming out for him mid panic attack in all hours of the night. Jeongguk could not have accompanied me to my fathers funeral or help me settle all of his debts. Jeongguk couldn’t help me, I had to do it myself “no” I answer and I feel like absolute shit. As soon as the word leaves my mouth I wish to take it back because I knew Jeongguk, he would have moved heavens and earth to make me happy, Gguk would’ve found a way but I never gave him the chance. I made the decision without a word from him and that was that.  
My eyes follow a movement in the corner of my eye and everything in my falls, Jeongguk stands in the open doorway completely frozen. His knuckles white because their clenched so hard around the box he’s holding and his face seeming flushed red and scarily pale at the same time. It’s his eyes that puncture though, they always have. He’s heard everything I just said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that wasn’t complete trash.   
> Was Tae right? he thought he was doing what was best   
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated 🖤🖤


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks in italics  
> Switches over to JK’s POV and back. Sorry for any confusion 🖤

They were a baby group when we first met, only just out of their rookie stages. Many people doubted them and they didn’t have a whole lot. What they did have was love, for each other, for their families, the people around them and their staff. Passion for music and the stage was their strength and they had goals. Goals that even though many said they would never achieve, they did. And god they did it with so much grace and with an overwhelming amount of humbleness and appreciation. I knew they where going to change the world. It came with much pressure though, sometimes it got so much Jeongguk couldn’t breathe.

_”Jeonggukie you need to stop, just take a breath” I plead with him as he paces my dorm. I can’t bare to sit here and do nothing but I know it takes him a while to get out of his head. He huffs and pulls at the sleeves of his shirts and my heart aches. He’s so young and the worlds at his finger tips, Gguk’s so anxious these days and he just doesn’t look after himself “we should’ve got it Hyung, you know how hard we worked. Fuck, you should’ve seen how hard RM-Hyung and Suga Hyung worked on this album and how long Hosoek and Jimin-hyung spent in the dance studio” he groans, looks at me with hopeless eyes and I pull him down onto the bed, he comes easily and his head falling in my lap. My fingers thread through the dark hair, he never once mentions just how hard he works, how Jeongguk spent hours just sitting with RM and Suga in their studio, helping where ever he could. Or how he spent every other moment dancing, never happy with his efforts and always tries for more.  
How he shows up for class barley conscious and often making it to my room collapsing in my arms. “The world works in mysterious ways my love. Just you wait, people will be screaming your name so loud you won’t be able to hear properly for days” he closes his eyes and my hand drifts down his face, feathering over his cheeks “you’ll stand their in front of millions and think back at these times, it’ll all be worth it” I whisper and I drag my thumb gently across his bottom lip, his beautiful bambi eyes open and drill right into mine “you’ll be there right? I’ll hear you hyung, no matter what, no matter where, I’ll hear you” he says making me smile and he follows, corner of his eyes crinkling and I lean forward pressing our foreheads together, my heart beating in my throat “I’ll be there Jeonggukie”._

“Oh Jeongguk-ssi” Hyejin says, scrambling to her feet and bowing slightly and I just want to vomit. I think I’m going to really, my stomach absolutely bottoms out and my eyes sting at the look on his face. I think, I think I might have just broken his heart for a second time.

My eyes drop, I’m a fucking coward and I can’t stand to look at him, this was not supposed to happen. I thought I was taking that to the grave with me. I look at Hyejin and she looks between the both of us, Jeongguk clears his throat and I startle at the sound. Hyejin looks at her phone and explains she needs to run, I silently beg her not to leave me but a second later she’s gone. I delay it, god I delay looking at him but then I realise we’re both adults and maybe it’s time I man the fuck up and try to explain myself “you really are a piece of work Kim Taehyung” he scoffs and my face flinches. I steel my shoulders and look up to him “of all the things, I never once thought of you as selfish” he says and I swallow around the golf ball size lump in my throat “until now” he laughs “do you know how long I struggled for? How long I just wanted to go to you but I fucking couldn’t. I couldn’t do shit” he spits out and I just sit there silent “you just dumped me and I couldn’t even mourn our relationship because I supposedly didn’t have one. So I got over it, I told myself it was just a college fling and I finally started to believe you weren’t the love of my goddam life” I’m so sorry “do you have any clue how I feel right now?” He drops the box and I jump “Gguk” I rasp out “I’m sorry you heard like that, I’m so sorry” I cry and he just looks at me. How the fuck am I supposed to explain this? I thought I was doing the right thing, which I know now was the complete opposite “you’re right, I’m selfish and you don’t know how hard it’s been for me to come to terms with what I did because I never once doubted you were the love of my life” I pause to take a deep breath and I feel a wet line down my face “that night, I was split into two and half of me was left behind. I thought I did what was best for you” he’s angry, so so angry and I hug my knees to my chest “you did what was best for me?” He questions again and again. I’m so sorry. “Jeonggukie..” “ don’t” he stops me “don’t call me that” he spits out and turns and leaves the room. I release a breath and rest my head on my knees.

  
*Jeongguk’s POV *

I run, it’s all I could do. My feet slap so hard against the ground but I only hear the sound of my heart beat ringing in my ears. The organ banging against my chest, heavy with every struggling breath I take. _“I was in my senior year in college when my father committed suicide”_ my legs move faster _“do you think he could have been there for you?”_ Faster and faster _“…No”_ I come to a dead stop. Oh god it hurts, it hurts so much. Every piece of anger for Kim Taehyung I’ve had in the past six years completely dissolves, only it’s replaced with an overwhelming amount of hurt that has me on my knees. 

_“Happy Birthday my sweet, sweet love. I hope you have only the best thoughts for today. Jeon Jeongguk you might be the best thing that’s happened to me yet, I’m so grateful for you. Enjoy your day” I smile like a damn fool at my phone, my heart expanding reading the message. “Happy Birthday Gguk, you big twenty two year old” I snap out of it at Jiminie’s voice and I thank him but I notice He’s looking at me like he knows something, it’s been happening a lot more lately and I’ve been on edge. It’s getting harder and harder to hide my relationship with Tae and to be completely honest, I’m so far past the point of even wanting to hide it it’s scary. I just want to scream it from the rooftops, if not that then at least be able to tell my Hyungs. Not that they would care, honestly they would just worry for me and I think that’s what stops me, we all have so much going on already, I don’t have it in me to tell them just yet. Even though it kills me, these are the most important people in my life and they can’t even know about each other. “Are your parents coming to Seoul?” He asks and I shake my head “Dads working away and I told Mom to not travel on her own. I’m working anyway” I shrug because it really is no big deal “don’t worry, Jin Hyung will take us all out, our baby is all grown up” he ruffles my hair and my cheeks heat, the rest of the guys walk into my room. Hoseokie Hyung’s voice piercing through the air bringing an instant smile to my face “Happy Birthday our Jeonggukie” Hobi jumps on top of me “hey, who said I was taking you all out Jimin?” Jin Hyung says and Jimin shrugs “it’s your duty as the oldest brother” I smile as the two bicker and I could only think of one thing that would make my day complete. Fan signs are my favourite, not so many people and we really get to connect with our fans, we get to know them. Even if it’s only for a minute, I get to actually have a conversation with a fan, they tell us their stories and hardships and I think it’s all worth it when they explain that we’re some source of happiness for them. I don’t see him, at all and I don’t know how, Taehyung is a beacon. A light shines from the inside out but I today? I only see him when he sits down right in front of me “oh” is all that comes out of me as I stare at him open mouthed. “Happy Birthday” he says and I blink. He’s here, he’s really here and my heart pounds Yoongi Hyung elbows me in the side and Taehyung laughs silently. We had a deal, it was actually Taehyung’s rule, that he wouldn’t attend anything to do with the band. But he’s here and I don’t know how I feel about it. It’s been almost two years and my worlds have collided for the first time. I stare at him for too long, long enough for Yoongi to hit me again “thank you” I say and it might be the tone of my voice but Tae’s face flinches and I feel like shit instantly “I’m so happy I can celebrate with all of you” I say “it’s my boyfriends birthday today but I couldn’t be with him, he had other commitments so here I am” he says and I swallow harshly “that’s sad you couldn’t see him” I reply and his eyes find mine “I’m working on it, I’d do anything to see him” Taehyung says “he’s sounds like a lucky guy” I wrap my foot around his calf and he’s surprised “I think I’m the lucky one” Taehyung gets prompted to start moving along and I breathe a sigh of relief “thank you for coming Taehyungssi, please continue to support us” I say and in the next second he’s gone. The second I have a moment I pull out my phone “I love you but you shouldn’t have come, I would’ve come to you tonight Hyung” He didn’t text back and it wasn’t until after two that I made it too his dorm. I unlocked the door, toed off my boots and slid into the bed right behind him. My hand sliding underneath the loose shirt he has on, his stomach constricting when my cold fingers touch the skin “I fucked up. I’m sorry Gguk, I just wanted to see you. I didn’t think it would be that hard” he sighs and I squeeze my eyes shut. I’m the one who acted like a dick, I’m the reason why we can’t have the relationship Taehyung deserves and he’s the one apologising. Taehyung turns in my arms “it was so fucking hard to sit there and not be able to touch you so I can only imagine how you felt. I’m sorry Jeonggukie” he whispers before leaning forward to take my lips. I breathe into the kiss tightening my arms around his back “I love you Taehyung, I love you so much_ ”. 

It was happening for a while but I was just oblivious, or I didn’t want to realise what was happening. Taehyung started to struggle, we were getting older and our relationship progressed at full speed. Taehyung’s friends started to get engaged and they were meeting each other’s partners and families. His parents didn’t even know, no one did and I honestly don’t even know how. 

We were in love and we just wanted to enjoy it but it was only possible when it was the two of us. The selfishness I felt crippled me at times, I’d see him stare longingly at the couple in our photography class or the young couple we’d see walking from the library holding each others hands and embracing so sweetly and I just wanted to give him everything but I couldn’t do it at the expense of my career, my hyungs careers. 

So that night, the night my heart was torn to shreds I let him go. I believed the bullshit excuses he gave me because they really were all true. I let him break up with me and I let him leave. Now it’s all wrong, now knowing what I know I feel sick. It was him who let me go, Taehyung didn’t want me to get involved and oh my god I just manage to pull the mask off my face before I vomit in a bush. 

He went through all that alone, he lost both his father and me. “Jeongguk. Shit” someone yells and stops besides me “are you okay?” It’s a body guard and I just nod weakly “come on, easy” he helps me up and I feel so weak “what we’re you thinking? It’s so cold and you have barely nothing on” he says helping me walk and the only thing that feels cold is my heart. 

How could I have just let him dump me? After everything we went through I just gave up because he told me he didn’t love me anymore? I knew it wasn’t true, the sound of his voice that night haunting me to this very day and I still let him walk away. He was alone and he needed me but he let me go for my sake, for the sake of my career. “Jeongguk?” The guard calls out but his voice is getting further away. Taehyung needed me but I chose my career. Taehyung needed me but he chose my career over himself. 

Bright lights hit my eyes as we enter our building and the members rush to me “Gguk, oh my god. What’s wrong with him” Hobi asks but my I can’t concentrate, my head feels so heavy and I just can’t understand anything “Jeongguk you need to stay awake” someone says but I don’t think I can, others are screaming in the background. Something blue catches my eyes and I see him standing there chewing his finger nails, the same look in his eyes as that night years ago. I’m so sorry. Everything goes black. 

*Taehyung POV *

I watch as the light leaves his eyes and everything happens so fast my head swims, I go to move to him, he needs me. A small arm around my waist stops me. Hyejin pulls me from the lobby of the building into a small room “No!” I scramble but she holds on tight “Hyejinah, please he needs me” I cry but she just holds on “please” I hold fistfuls of her shirt and she just rocks as back and forth “Shh Taehyungie. He’ll be okay, Shh” she keeps whispering it and I cry. 

I cry for Jeongguk, I cry for myself, our screwed up lives. I cry for how unlucky we were and that we were never given the chance to be accepted. I pray that he’ll be okay, that Jeongguk brings happiness to millions of people, that we all need him. I sit there like a child while Hyejin soothes me “I knew it the first time I saw you together. There’s a pull between you two, I’m so sorry the world is so unfair” she says and I sniffle “he heard it all. I thought enough time had passed. I thought I had gotten over him, haven’t I put him through enough? I should’ve never came to work here” I cry and Hyejin leans back to look at me “you never truly recover from your first love Taehyung. Your real first love leaves an impact so hard nothing can remove it the scar, it just becomes less painful over time. I think it might be time to have a real talk Taehyungie. You two aren’t head over heels and in college anymore. You both deserve more closure then what you got”. 

It’s three in the morning and I’m sneaking down the hospital hallway, I’m not surprised when I see his name on the plaque outside the most lucrative VIP suite. I am however surprised by the guard, he’s completely out of it. I make it into his room and my heart stalls at the sight, his pale face illuminated by the soft glow of the machines, the silent snores coming out of his open mouth, I always told him he’d catch flies. His fingers twitch and I’ve never been more happy to see it. He’s still here, he’s okay. Because he’s so quiet I’d always put my finger under his nose just to check, satisfied with the breath on my finger I push the hair out of his face. He really is so beautiful. His eyes open, revealing his dark eyes and my hand freezes “Taehyungie”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh damn 🖤


	5. Chapter 5

“ _That’s it, I’m wrapping you in bubble wrap Hyung” Jeongguk pouts down at me. I stare at his adorable face and I can’t help but smile “don’t smile, I’m being serious. You need to watch where you’re walking” he grumbles and I roll my eyes “it’s a sprained ankle, I’m a big boy” I wince at the sharp pain and Jeongguk looks smug “you’re my big boy” he says and my heart doubles “but I’m not joking here, how many times has it been? 4? 5?” He sits gently on my bed and sighs. I finger the ends of his sleeves, this kid, I think to myself, he has so much going on and all he seems to do is worry about me. I look down to where my ankle used to be, now it’s almost unrecognisable. Double in size, purple with angry red veins spanning the area. I really do need to be more careful “how was the hospital?” He mutters quietly and I watch as he picks his fingers.  
_

_It almost killed me before, him watching me get taken away in an ambulance. His face hurting me more then any injury I had, I wanted him to come, I might even had needed him to but I knew he couldn’t. His face though? It sliced through my skin, the complete helplessness on his face was devastating “it was fine baby” I say and he looks at me “I’m okay, It’ll be some heavy bruising for a couple weeks and then I’ll be good as new. Gguk, I’m okay” he twists his body and he rests his hand on my neck, his thumb brushing the back of it “even though I’m bigger than you, your presence always makes me feel so much smaller. Today, when you were lying there in that ambulance you looked so small. I wanted to hold you so bad. I’m sorry” he apologises and I lean forward to kiss the corner of his mouth “don’t be sorry, I understand. Today was the best day I’ve had in so long, I got to spend it with you. I’m sorry our date got cut short” I sigh against his lips._

_It’s been a month since we’ve seen each other. Jeongguk is touring the states and I’m so fucking proud of him. I miss him so much it hurts “Taehyung hyung, I can’t be around all the time and that kills me. It hurt so much watching you get hauled away today and I couldn’t do anything. I know how strong you are, promise me you’ll take better care of yourself. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you got hurt”_

“Taehyungie” my back straightens and I step away from his bed. What the fuck was I thinking even coming here, it’s my fault he’s in this mess. I’m the reason he went on a fucking run in below zero wearing shit all. Now he’s lying in a hospital bed and I can’t do shit, I know exactly how he felt back then “I shouldn’t be here” I say more to myself and Jeongguk doesn’t say anything else so I nod and start walking backwards, my eyes never wavering from his “I always felt it when you touched my hair” I halt instantly “you used to think I was asleep. You’d whisper and run your hands down my face. It was one of my favourite things” he smiles “I had to ask Jiminie to do it once, it wasn’t the same” Jeongguk says and my stomach sours at the sound of that. 

“Why are you here hyung?” He asks and I open and close my mouths a few times before sighing. It’s so hard to talk to him after all this time, especially now that he knows everything. I slowly walk back to him “you think it would be easier to talk after all this time. I’m still as nervous around you as I was back then” I murmur and Jeongguk scoffs “don’t act, you were the most confident person I knew” I smile and my fingers move to reach out to him, we both stare at my arm “it’s been so long Jeonggukie, I’m so sorry you found out like that. I sacrificed myself to protect you and I know how selfish that sounds but please just just try to understand” I say “I will never understand Tae, I would have done anything for you” he explains and I shake my head “you wouldn’t have left the group” silence. 

He breathes in deep and exhales, the sound echoing in the room “we were at opposite ends of the same story. You were at the beginning, set to write your wonderful journey and I was at the cliffhanger where everything went to shit. I ended the story so you could keep writing” he shakes his head “ I loved you with everything I had but you had 5 other people and a whole army to look out for. I wasn’t going to bring you down to” he just stares at me “you didn’t even give me a chance. You just went and did what you thought was the best” he yells, startling me and I look to the door “I have spent the last 6 years hating you. I was ready to start the next phase of my life with you. I wanted to tell the whole world that my heart was no longer mine, you took the choice away from me” my eyes sting and I look to the machines he’s connected to “I’d come up with all the explanations in the world. Was my status too much? Did it finally catch up to us? My fame and our constant need for us to hide became to much for you Tae hyung. You fell out of love with me? You found someone else? For months I wasn’t able to leave my room. I hated you so much, I missed you so much” he cries and so do I. 

“Now I know everything, I feel everything ten times worse. What hardship you have endured? While I had everything, I had my family and my members, I had the support from millions of people. There you were going through the worst possible things and you had no one. I would’ve been there Kim Taehyung. I would have done anything to be by your side” his hands are fisted and I can see the vein in his neck pulsing. Of course I knew he’d be angry, he has every right to be. The only excuse I had was that I was keeping him safe but maybe I was just keeping myself safe. 

“I knew nothing” I say and Jeongguk stares at me “what?” He asks “my father, I knew nothing. He had a secret life. A secret family. My Mom and I knew nothing, the night he killed himself he sent me a message. “I love you son, around the moon and back” a message we’ve sent each other a thousand times, I had no idea it would be the last one I ever got. That was the night you one your first daesang” I finish and I look back at him, mouth open and his eyes shining “it wasn’t until weeks later when we read the will that we found out everything. His other family, his bankruptcy, the millions of dollars he owed” I swallow and I ball my hands up. It was one of the worst days of my life, I’ll never forget the look in my mother’s eyes as the other woman walked in, a small child on her hip. “Tae..” Jeongguk whispers and I smile sadly to him

“everyday I felt in my heart how angry you were. I watched every stage, every interview, every performance and I could see the anger, the sadness. You were so strong” I say and everything is silent, many things running through both our heads. The clock makes a noise and I jump, realising the time “shit it’s 5am. Get some rest Gg..Jeongguk” I stammer at the nickname and walk out of the room, not looking back when I hear him call. 

He bounced right back, the next day he’s in the studio preparing for their comeback, the day after that I walk past the dance studio and he’s collapsed breathing heavy and staring up at the ceiling, the whole team is. Sweat soaking their cloths, panting and I frown wondering how the hell they survive using this much energy and how do they have any left for the real thing? Less than a month away from their new album and preparations are in full swing. 

It’s my first time at a fan sign and I’m blown away again by the sheer respect these guys have. I quickly walk up to the table and catch a cup full of iced Americana before it lands in Park Jimin’s lap “oooh Taehyungssi, nice. Thank you” he says and I just give him a wink before moving along. Picking confetti out of Hosoek’s hair and fixing a head band on Yoongi, the leader is at the end of the table completely tearing apart a stuffed toy by accident. Namjoon stares at it, looks at me and then back to the ruined bear and I just hold my hand out “thank you Taehyungssi” he smiles. 

Jeongguk is perfect, I stand back with Hyejin and just watch him. He’s talking with a little girl, maybe around ten and she throws her head back laughing. Everyone is smitten with the golden baby. “That’s not the face of someone who got closure. That’s the face of someone who is completely in love all over again” Hyejin says quietly to my side and my shoulders fall “we talked, to much has happened. I broke it to pieces and that’s all there is to it” Hyejin looks at me then back to the boys with sad eyes “I don’t know Taehyungie, the way he’s looking at you right now, the way he always looks at you tells me something completely different” my eyes find his in the next second and the world just slips away.


	6. Chapter 6

I’m surprised it’s taken me this long but it hits me at once when it all comes back. My memories have always been there but I suppressed them, I had to or I’d have gone insane. I had to protect myself and to do that, anything Jeongguk related hated to be deleted from my memory. It’s been months now and I’m here, along with a lot of the other staff as all the members walk out onto the massive stage. Cameras flash and I struggle to catch my breath. I’ve never seen something of this scale before, everything so meticulously thought out, the details that went into every single decision is extraordinary. There album finally released, the world got to hear what they’ve worked so damn hard on, their blood, sweat and tears along with each of their hearts. It’s the first press release and they walk out one by one looking impeccable and my heart explodes. 

The tips of my fingers tingle and I tighten my fists, I’m so fucking proud of these guys, so much so my eyes sting. Then I see Jungkook and everything in me falls slack. There’s an aura and it’s completely blinding, I almost choke on my own saliva. His smile lights up the place and the light from the flashes dances around in my irises, Jeongguk doesn’t belong to this earth, his beauty is beyond “breathe Taehyungssi, you gotta breathe” Hyejin whispers from my side and I swallow, my throat hurts. My eyes never leave him, he’s decked out in a black and white suit, tailored to fit his body like a glove. He’s the goddam hottest penguin I’ve ever seen. My body jolts when he stumbles and my heart damn near gives way when he laughs at himself. 

“ _Taehyungie, don’t look now but Bangtan literally just sat beside us” Dami whispers to me from beside me and my hands freeze around my phone. You have got to be kidding me? I know I’ve got shit for luck but seriously god? Isn’t this too cruel? “You know this is a restaurant they come to often Dami, that’s why you always drag me here” I say and that’s exactly why I avoid this place. Dami just smiles and pokes her tongue at me, not even denying it. They choose this place because they’re safe here, the owners protect them and the patrons are usually on their best behaviour, including Dami. Jeongguk hasn’t seen me yet, well I don’t think he has anyway, I wouldn’t know because I haven’t even looked over there. “What’s with that face? You look like you have constipation” I look up at that because she definitely said that loud enough for people to hear “Dami” I push out, my cheeks burning. I can’t help but laugh “you know? We really need to work on your whispering voice” because she clearly doesn’t understand what that is.  
_

_My eyes move over to the group and I can’t help but searching for him first, I’m pretty sure he hasn’t even noticed me sitting here and I sigh, half in relief, half in hurt. It’s not like he should know that I’m here, we haven’t talked all morning and so many things are happening over there right now, it’s not like I have a presence. Whereas he could just walk into a room and everyone would know “seriously Tae, are you okay? We can go if you’re uncomfortable” I look up to her and I swear she knows something, I’m about to answer her when his laugh cuts through me and my head snaps back. It’s always been my favourite thing, when he completely let’s go and just laughs, right down from the pit of his stomach. It happens when we’re alone a lot, when we’re lying in bed and I run my fingers up his rib cage and he squirms in my arms. It happens when we’re just talking about our most embarrassing stories, stories I’ve never told anyone. Hearing it now is so bittersweet._

I’d always get so down after seeing him in public and I can’t just run to him but then my phone would vibrate, a message from him and I’d be smiling like a dick right there in the street. His voice brings me back to the present and they’re all sitting down and the conference goes off without a hitch and I’m left there standing wondering how these six young men can be so professional. They have the entire world eating out of the palm of their hands. 

“Promise me you’ll call me?” I ask shoving things into my suitcase “anytime, I don’t care if it’s three in the morning. Call me” I look up and see Mom leaning against my door frame. She’s lost so much weight and she’s so tired, I swallow and look down at the bulging case “you know what? Jin-ah has got this, I don’t need to go” Mom sits on the bed next to me “you’re going Kim Taehyung, what kind of head artist doesn’t go on overseas schedule? They need you, Your Mom will be fine, I promise” you need me too, I think as she takes me in her arms. Kim Seowoo has been nothing but selfless and she’s not going to start being any different now. Am I a bad son for leaving her right now? Because the pain in my heart tells me I am “I know what you’re thinking and stop it right now. This is your job and people depend on you. I have plenty of help baby, I will be fine” she says and kisses my head “I love you, son” I wrap my arms around her tiny frame and breathe in her scent that is so unique “I love you, Mom”

It’s been years since I’ve left the country but it’s my first time on a private jet and I don’t know quite what to do with myself, I have leg room, a lot of it and it’s so vastly different economy. There’s only a few stylists along with the bodyguards and managers on the jet, the rest of the crew are flying separate. It’s quiet on the plane, occasionally you’ll hear Jimin’s giggle or the sounds of eating but other than that it’s quiet. A million things are running through my head, this tour begins in under two weeks and I just need to double, triple check everything. “Taehyungie, everything will go as planned. You’ve left no room for mistakes. Take a breather, rest” Hyejin says and I smile at her. The photo of her baby girl plastered on the back of her phone catching my attention “it wasn’t any harder than you having to leave your Mom” she says when she sees what I’m looking at “you just have to remind yourself that these are the reason why we are doing this, rest Taehyung” she takes my hand and I try to relax. 

I’ve fallen asleep many times with Hyejin, often the last two left in the building, the rest of the team will find us cuddled up together the next morning. My eyes open slowly when I feel someone walk past me, Hyejin and I embraced very awkwardly in the seats but I feel weirdly good, there’s something about Hyejin, she makes me feel safe. I guess it’s the maternal feelings she puts out “why do I always sleep so well when your near?” I whisper when she wakes up, she smiles and tightens her arms around me “you sleep exactly like my baby” she yawns, I smile and realise that she holds me exactly like Mom does. I feel him before I see him and so does Hyejin because suddenly she lets me go and I look up and right into Jeongguk’s eyes, he looks over to Hyejin and back to me before walking to back to his seat. 

  
“Hey Yoongissi” I say sitting down in front of him, he has his headphones in but he still acknowledges me “it’s been 6 months Taehyung, you can call me hyung” my cheeks heat and he smiles, Yoongi Hyung is the only one who still intimidates me. It’s ridiculous really, he’s like a big ball of fluff. Until he starts rapping “okay hyung, did you sleep at all because these” I swap the cotton tip with concealer on it underneath his eyes “they tell me you didn’t” I tease and he laughs “don’t be rude, this is why we have you right?” I nod “that’s right, I got your back hyung” we talk while I do his makeup, it’s really the first time we’ve had a chance Hyejin usually does his “are you nervous?” I ask and he looks at me without moving “yes” lightly applying the foundation I nod again “I am too” I say just as my hand shakes “I can’t imagine doing what you guys do and this album is amazing, there’s nothing much you could do to upset your fans” I talk softly and Yoongi Hyung listens “why are you nervous?” He asks and I pause at the corner of his eye “there’s so many reasons, I still don’t believe I’m good enough for this position. This is my first big job for you guys and what if I tank it? I left my sick Mom to be here” his eyes soften and I lean away from his face “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that” Yoongi shakes his head “don’t apologise and don’t question your worth around me. A lot of people saw something in you, that’s why you’re here and you’ve done nothing but show us you are fully capable ever since. I don’t know your Mom but I just know she’s proud of you” he says and I have to look away “thank you Hyung. Seriously”

“Hey Tae, ill do Jiminie” she says and I nod absentmindedly finishing the last touch on Hoseok’s eyes “there you go Hopie Hyung” he looks at the mirror and smiles “wow Taehyungie, I’m impressed” I pause when I remember the only person left is Jeongguk, shit Hyejin. I sigh and stand up, just as I get to Jeongguk the plane hits turbulence and I go barrelling straight for him . Jeongguk’s eyes widen and a silent plea comes out of my mouth and I just close my eyes. _  
_

_“Mom?” I walk into the house and finding nothing but an empty living room with the TV blaring. It’s an end of year award show, one that’s Jeonggukie is at. Just as I pass the TV his face appears and I pause, fuck he’s so handsome. All I can think about is that he might be the love of my life. I frown and look around for Mom, I walk into the kitchen and my heart drops. “Mom? Mom, what happened?” I rush to her sitting on the kitchen floor crying “Jeongguk” she says my name with all the sadness in the world and I know something has happened that’s about to change my life “Shh Mom, whatever it is we’ll get through it okay?” I wipe the tears from her face and help her up “baby” her lower lip trembles and my heart’s sore “let’s go sit down okay, where’s Dad?” I ask and her body crumbles “Gguk..” she cries and tears gather in my eyes, she never calls me Gguk. We both sit on the lounge “your father..” shit, fucking shit, I knew something was up with him. I could feel it and as soon as I got his message this afternoon I started driving home “he’s dead” she cries out. “Artist of The Year…. Congratulations Bangtan Sonyeondon”  
  
_

“Taehyungssi” someone whispers “is he okay?” My eyes squeeze tighter shut and I feel the wetness on my face. Familiar hands rub small circles on my hips and I take a deep breath “Taehyungie oh my god” Hyejin’s voice registers and I finally open my eyes “ugh” my head stings and I touch my forehead “don’t touch it, are you okay?” Jeongguk says and I realise I’m on his fucking lap. I shoot up and my head swims “shit” Hyejin is beside me and I reach for her hand “Tae” she cries and helps me “Taehyung?” I cant look in his eyes, I have no idea why the memory just popped into my head right now but I can’t bare to look at him “I’m fine, I’m fine. I.. Jin-ah can you please do Jeonggukie.. Jeongguk’s face” I push past everyone’s concerned faces and once I finally reach the bathroom I lose it. My fist shoved into my mouth, muffling the broken sobs that rack my body as more of the memory filters past the wall I put up. 

_“I’m so sorry Jeonggukie, I’m so sorry” Mom rocks the both of us just chanting that she’s sorry. Nothing, I feel nothing, I look up to the TV and Jeongguk is crying. He’s crying his happy tears, he just won a grand award, something they’ve been working towards for years. He looks to the camera and his beautiful eyes glint and he sends a heart to his millions of fans, to me. I just stare as he experienced the best moment of his career so far, how he embraces all five of his members and they share a moment that will forever be remembered. A moment I will always remember. “Completed suicide…” I’m so sorry Mom_. 

Everything in me stops, I heave over the bathroom sink but nothing comes up, I heave again and again and I’m sure every single person on this plane can hear me. I look at myself in the mirror and my eyes find the barely open wound on my head. A long gash with only one bead of blood pooling at the end of it. There’s a knock at the door and I wince “just a second” I call out shakily, please just be Hyejin “it’s Yoongi” I stop and look at the door “can I come in?” He asks and I just frown before opening the door “thought you might need a hand” he holds up my first aid kit “sit down kid” he nods to the toilet and I go without argue “this will sting” he puts an alcoholic wipe to the scratch and I suck in a deep breath, bitch “told you” he gently swabs the area and I close my eyes. I can’t believe that just happened “you don’t have to say anything but we’re all here if you need to talk” he says and I feel even worse than before. These guys are my bosses essentially “did the turbulence scare you?” He asks and I open my eyes “when I got knocked a memory popped back into my head. It was just hard to deal with you know? Something you try to not remember?” I say and Yoongi Hyung looks at me and his eyes darken “I found out my dad died the night you guys won your first daesang” his hands drop from my face “I’m so sorry” he says but I shake my head “it’s not your fault, I have no idea what triggered the memory. I’m just thankful Jeongguk could break my fall” I smile but Yoongi just looks at me “that’s why you ended things?” He asks softly and my breath stops. 

I follow his movements, not saying a word “did you two really think you were that slick?” He says placing a bandage gently on the wound “Yoongi Hyung…” he smiles at me sadly “we didn’t know who you were, Jeongguk never told us. He wanted to protect you as much as he could. That meant keeping you hidden, even from his hyung’s. Jeon Jeongguk is a force to be reckoned with so we knew he would catch the eye of someone, he was young and the world at his finger tips, we supported him 100%. He told us that night that he wanted to tell the world..” a broken sob escapes my mouth and I cover it with my hand.  
I fucked everything up so bad “hey, Taehyungie. No, I didn’t mean to make you upset” I cry even harder. They all knew, they accepted it and I just went and shit on it all. I broke us, I broke Jeongguk. Hyung pulls me into a hug “Shh Taehyung, I’m sorry. Hyung is sorry for making you upset. Hyung is sorry about your father” I stare at the ceiling of my hotel room, the room only illuminated by the alarm clock. Hyejin is curled up next to me asleep, I really didn’t want to be alone tonight and Hyejin hasn’t left my side since we got off the plane and I’m so grateful. Sleep the furthest thing from my mind, I just keep thinking about the fact that they all knew, which meant the staff knew. I throw my arm over my eyes and gasp, I gently poke at the bandaged area. I really want to see him right now, I look down at Hyejin when she lets out a small sigh and I gently untangle from her. Without another thought I leave the room. 

I open the door just as Jeongguk raises his arm to knock “fuck, you scared me” I whisper yell, my hand on my heart “sorry Hyung..” we both freeze at that and my skin melts, I never thought I’d hear the day Jeongguk every calls me Hyung again “sorry.. uh I just wanted to see if you’re okay?” He says nervously and I miss seeing these sides of him. The sides he used to show only when it was us two “Hyejin-ah is asleep in there, can we go to your room. I wanted to talk” I ask and his eyes look into my bedroom. His fist tightening at his sides, no fucking way. I look back at Hyejin spread out on my bed and then back to Jeongguk, the vein in his neck pulsing. I can’t believe it “Jeon Jeongguk, are you kidding me? You should know better than anyone that I don’t do women” it just slips out of my mouth and it has Jeongguk stuttering “let’s go to your room Gguk”.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s been so long  
> Forgive me if there’s any mistakes in there, I suck

I’m tired, so tired I can barley open my eyes. I might be being dramatic but I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired in my life “you’re doing so well Tae, this job was meant for you” Hyejin says walking to the bathroom and I smile lazily at her. In all honesty if I didn’t have her with me I don’t think I would’ve lasted long, I’ve come to depend on her so much. Not just in the job either, Hyejin feels like the little sister I never had. She fit so easily in my heart which came as much as a surprise to me, knowing how much I tend to guard it. “I’m tired” I look up to her and she smiles at me knowingly, my head turns to a little squeak and my heart softens. Suddenly I’m not tired “oh Woo-ah, you’re awake?” I coo and rush to the three year old before her mother reaches her “hello baby, did you have a good sleep?” I ask scooping her up and she rubs her beautiful chubby hands into her eyes. She nods as she wraps her hands around my shoulders, pressing her face into my neck “Seowoo, you ready for some dinner? Do you want to come with Uncle Taetae?” I ask her and she peaks up at me and nods shyly “Tae, I’ll take her” Hyejin says reaching her Woo but I hold onto her a little tighter and Hyejin looks at me before sighing “like she would’ve come to me anyway. She’s finding it a little too comfortable in those arms Tae and you said you’re tired” she says, crossing her arms and looking at their daughter “I’m fine now and I need dinner anyway. You have a shower and meet us down there” I say and two hands grab my cheeks “Taetae, food” the toddler whines and I look down to her. She’s a spitting image of her mother, her English father not getting a look in “babe has spoken I guess, Seowoo you listen to your uncle and be good” I walk out of the room and head straight for the restaurant “what do you feel like baby? Noodles?” I ask, rubbing my nose on her hairline. Seowoo’s grandma brought her to Hyejin two weeks ago, we’ve been on tour for three months now and Hyejin was struggling, so I organised it with the managers and she was on the next flight out. It’s crazy how a three year old fit into the tour craziness, she never went to the shows of course but the staff absolutely adored her and this little girl found a place in my heart, right next to her mother real quick. “and beef Taetae” I laugh because I’ll never get over a three year old asking for beef. Seowoo isn’t any normal three year old, she knows things, her vocabulary and thoughts surprise me everyday and I know she’s going to live a very full life because of Hyejin. We sit in the restaurant waiting for our food and she’s singing to me and I don’t think I’ve seen anything more cute “Taetae, will you take me to the Eiffel Tower?” She stops singing to ask “all of the sudden?” I ask with a laugh “I think your Mom would love to take you” I say and she frowns “but you’ll come uncle Tae?” She says pulling on my heartstrings, I’ve never thought I would ever be an uncle but now that I am, there’s short of nothing I’d do to keep this kid safe and warm “I would love too but you know Uncle Tae is very busy right?” I say and her bottom lip drops even further “yeah I know, Taetae has to make the pretty uncles look even prettier. That’s what Mommy says” she sighs and grabs onto my finger, playing with the nail. It’s strange and my heart blooms with fondness because Hyejin does that too. Our food is placed on the table and she eats with gusto, not letting go of my finger “Seowoo” she looks up at me “mmh?” She murmurs around a noodle “what do you want to do when your big?” I ask and she looks at me funny but she thinks quietly for a while “I want to be a mommy” she says with her whole chest “but I also want to be a singer. Mommy said I can be whatever I want. I hope I have someone like you to make me look even prettier” the three year old says so surely and I’m sat there staring “your Mom is right baby, you can be anything you want. I think you will be a great singer and an even greater Mommy” I say and smile at the toddler as she slurps up a noodle “Seowoo, you don’t need anyone to make you pretty okay? When you get bigger you’ll realise that what you look like on the inside is a lot breather than what you look like on the outside” I say with all the honesty I have and she smiles a gummy smile for me nodding. “Taetae?” I look at her and her arms are raised to me “I need cuddles” she says and I’d die right there eating our food if I could “well, you better come get them then” I take her out of her seat and she wraps her arms around my neck. I inhale that sweet baby smell she still brings and for the first time in years I dream of bigger things. Things I never allowed myself to dream for, not for a long time anyway. I knew I wanted children, I knew very early and for that reason alone I dated woman, I found out quick that was not the right reason to be someone I’m so obviously not. I met Jeongguk and the dreams came back but I was stupid young, Jeongguk being even younger so I stomped the thoughts down again. Then I saw how my father shit completely on his family, both of them and I never had the thought again. Until this moment “Taehyungie?” Seowoo releases her death grip on me to look for the voice. My eyes go to the voice too, it’s the members, all six of them. There faces range in a vary of emotions but I only look for Jeongguk, I stop short because his eyes virtually drill me. He stares at me, then to Seowoo and then back to me, something flashing in his eyes “Taetae, it’s the pretty uncles” Seowoo expresses with all the wonder in the world and the six of them melt, almost into puddles right there on the floor, Woo looks on in amazement at them for a while longer and I laugh silently, it’s the first time she’s seeing them in real life. “Oh my god, aren’t you the prettiest baby” Hobi Hyung squeaks and rushes to Seowoo first and she flinches a little “you must be uncle Hoseokie” she says and my mouth drops open along with the rest of the members. Seowoo stands shakily on my legs and she extends an arm to Hobi. He just looks down at it before busting out the biggest smile and shakes her hand “how’d you know pretty girl?” He asks and she blushes at the complement “hmm I listen to all of your songs, Mommy and Uncle Taetae help you look pretty so I have to know all of you of course. Hoseokie is always the happiest and makes me smile” she says and looks to Namjoon Hyung next while Hoseok Hyung almost dies “you’re uncle Namjoon, the leader Momma says. I watch you make your speeches all the time. You’re really good at English and maybe you can help me?” She asks him with those big eyes and Namjoon is a goner “your Uncle Yoongi-ya” she says looking at Suga Hyung next “you’re an amazing rapper and I don’t even know how you can talk so fast. Momma doesn’t let me listen to some of your songs because you say bad words but I still do. Oh” she turns to me with big eyes “you can’t tell Momma. She’ll scold me” I just stare at Seowoo, I have no words for her at the moment so she looks back to Jiminie “You’re Uncle Jiminie, you’re Momma’s favourite. She says she loves working on you because she doesn’t have to do much, you’re already too beautiful” Jimin’s a blubbering mess and Seowoo just ignores him “lastly you’re uncle Jeonggukie” she says and I hold my breath, Jeongguk seems to do so to. Seowoo looks back at me and she stares into my soul. She knows, she knows Jeongguk is different, at least to me he’s different “you’re the baby, just like me and you’re my favourite” her ears burn red but she just shrugs, turning back to cuddle with me again, Jeongguk’s jaw drops slightly and his cheeks glow. “There you guys are” Hyejin breaks the awkward silence and she stares at everyone before sighing “Seowoo, what’d you say?” Seowoo pops her head up from my shoulder with the most innocent look on her face. “She said all that? This kid Taehyung, I don’t know where she gets it from” Hyejin collapses on my bed and I just laugh “it was amazing Jinnah, you should’ve seen her. She was on a roll and they couldn’t get a word in. I’m sure they’ve never seen a three year old like her before” their faces fill my mind and I laugh even harder “by the way, I didn’t know Jiminie was your favourite” I say and her face drops “Seowoo” I laugh as she chases Woo around the room. His face flashes in my mind, when Hyejin was trying to take Seowoo back to the room but she wanted to stay. _“No momma, I want to stay with Taetae and my uncles” Seowoo latched into me and I patted her back “Shh Bub, hey Woo-ah it’s late and Momma says you need to go back to the room and we listen to Momma don’t we?” She looks up at me, tears in her eyes and sniffles “yes” her lip quivers and I smile at her “good girl, you’ll see your pretty uncles again I promise” I whisper and wipe her tears away “you promise?” She asks and we all nod “okay, let’s go Momma” she goes to get off me “are you forgetting something?” I ask and she smiles before planting a big fat wet kiss right on my lips before giggling and jumping from my lap. I watched them leave the room with all the fondness in the world, everyone did. Everyone except Jeongguk, he was watching me_. I could always tell when he was staring, I could feel it and right now my skin burns. Our eyes meet and everything prickles. It was different though I think, staring at the ceiling of the hotel, I’d never seen him look at me like that before and my chest constricts even hours later. I can’t sleep, not even Seowoo’s soft snores could put me to sleep tonight and I wander the hotel. The guards look at me funny and ask if I’m okay and I just nod and keep walking between floors. My eyes spot a door with a sign “rooftop”. I bound up the stairway and I take a deep breathe as soon as I feel the fresh air. I take in the sight with my heart in my throat, it’s only my second time in Paris. I was fresh out of college when I got thrown into a job in Paris and I didn’t have a second to breathe let alone explore the city, so right now I take it all in. Lights sparkle as far as my eyes can see, the Eiffel Tower standing so damn pretty in the distance. The wind blows gently and my eyes close on their own and I think to myself that I’ve never been more content. So happy and floaty I don’t even hear the door open, I don’t feel him stand beside me. It’s only when his deep voice that’s tainted with tiredness and exhaust hits my ears I realise “beautiful isn’t it?” He asks softly and my eyes open to see nothing but the twinkle of the lights surrounding the city, I look at Jeongguk to agree but he’s not looking at the view, he’s looking at me “you’ve always been the most beautiful, not even a view like this could rival you” I swallow so loudly I’m sure he heard. He’s got it wrong though, Jeongguk is the beautiful one and standing here right now? Just the two of us standing here in this beautiful city thousands of miles away from home, it takes me back and I’m once again reminded just how Jeongguk makes me feel. The severity of what I done all those years ago hits me, leaving Jeongguk, letting the best thing that ever happened to me go was a mistake I all of the sudden want nothing more than to be able to take back. The breeze picks up a stray piece of his hair and my hand follows it. No sounds, the city gets drowned out and Jeongguk’s chest rises and falls harshly as he watches silently. My heart hammers and my hand shakes as I tuck the piece behind his ear but my hand stays lingering, cupping his face “I don’t regret many things Jeonggukie, but letting you go? That was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, please leave a comment on how you think this is going  
> I’m predicting only a couple more chapters  
> Thank you


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Babies finally talk   
> Can they go back to the way it was   
> Ps   
> Suicide mention!!!

_Let’s go to your room Gguk.”_

_I follow him silently to his bedroom and roll my eyes when he gives a half ass excuse as to why his makeup artist is coming into his bedroom at two in the morning “really? Like he’s going to believe that” I sit on his bed and Jeongguk laughs. I look around his room, still as near as I remember not a thing out of place “still a clean freak huh?” I ask and Jeongguk sits in front of me on the bed. My nose is assaulted with Jeongguk’s aftershave, a scent I’ll never be able to forget. “I haven’t changed at all Hyung, nothing’s changed” he says looking at me intently and I swallow harshly. “Gguk..” I stutter, not even able to form the right words and Jeongguk just hits straight to the point “What hurt the most was that you could have just cut me out like that. After everything” he says, voice breaking and I shake my head “that’s where you are wrong. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Jeongguk I saw you when you received that first daesang, you were so happy and I know you when you were looking at that camera, you were looking for me” my eyes sting, I can’t take it anymore and I reach for his hands “I was looking for you” Jeongguk says and I smile sadly at him “my eyes couldn’t leave yours, not when you thanked the millions of other people or when you were taken into the arms of your Hyung’s, not when my mother was rocking me back and forth sobbing, telling me how sorry she is that my father just committed suicide. Your smile and shiny eyes, the little jumps you did, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you” his eyes drill into mine and one tear drops from them, I slowly reach up, my thumb brushing it away “Tae” he chokes out, one of his hands laying on mine “don’t ever think from this second on wards that it was easy for me. Many times I woke up screaming for you Jeon Jeongguk. That night I let you go? Was the night I stopped living and started just existing. If I didn’t do it baby, I would’ve never forgave myself for what it would’ve done to you and everyone around you”._

“I can’t believe we’re on our way home” I jump when Hyejin talks, breaking me out of that memory and I look out the window of the plane. Hyejin has a playful Seowoo on her lap and I smile at the two of them. It’s been well over six months since the tour started and I’m exhausted. I look over to the members and each one of them passed out, I can’t imagine how it is for them really. “I bet you can’t wait to see your Mom” Hyejin says. She has no idea but I’m also nervous, how much has she changed? Has she lost more weight? Her hair? The thought of her doing this alone still has me clenching my chest but knowing that she’s the strongest person I know gives me strength and comfort. That and FaceTime of course. 

The plane starts to descend and everyone it’s on their seatbelts “okay everyone” one of the managers call out “were home for the first time in almost seven months, there will be fans down there. A lot. Please be mindful, you all know the drill” everyone nods, we should be used to it by now.

But I’m not used to it at all, with out a doubt I get caught off guard every single time. The sheer amount of people who make their way to the airport in freezing temperatures at three in the morning just to get a glimpse at the boys will never not amaze me. 

Police guards, army units, security companies are all there just to get them from the plane to their cars. This time I find myself right next to Jeongguk and all I can think about is when we were standing on top of that hotel in Paris, a breath apart and with each breath I took I wanted to just lean in and take his lips, would they feel the same?. 

I jump when I feel his pinky slides in mine. My head whips to him but he looks straight ahead, what the hell does he think he’s doing with all these people around? I try to release my finger but he just clutches on tighter and doesn’t let go until we’re in the car “let me go with Hyejin” I whisper but he just slightly pushes me towards the car. I look at him dumbfounded when the driver closes the door “Gguk” he looks at me without a worry in the world “makeup stylist don’t ride with the members” I state because clearly he’s forgotten “well they do now, we need to talk”

I swallow because I knew it was coming “you’re not 21 anymore Taehyung. Don’t you think it’s time to stop running?” I look down at my fingers. My mind thinking about the two of us on that roof, when I just told him that the biggest regret of my life was leaving him but then I just left. The look in his eyes after I dropped that was too much and I just ran, again.

After a silent moment I nod “yes, I’m sorry” I look up into his eyes before sighing “it was too much Jeongguk. I don’t think I had a right to say that, I left you and I’m so sorry” once the words leave my mouth I breathe heavily. Is this the first time I’m really apologising to him? “I needed you so much Gguk” I whisper not meaning for him to hear but he does and he goes completely stiff “and what I said the other night? That is the complete truth” I look right into his eyes “I regret never giving you the chance to be there for me, for taking that away from you but I was scared, I was so scared that you would’ve given up everything for me”

I’m exhausted and I just want to hug my Mom, I just want Jeongguk to forgive me “I’m tired Gguk, I’m so tired but I just want you to know what I think the worst thing about this all is” I pause and I’m not entirely sure the either of us are breathing “what is it?” He whispers “that all these years you have thought that our relationship meant nothing to me because of how I acted. You couldn’t be more further from the truth. I loved you so fucking much and I’m so sorry Jeon Jeongguk” something breaks in him and Jeongguk tugs me forward into his lap and our lips meet and it’s everything I remember and more. 

A million boy kisses surface in the back of my eyes and I remember them all, I reach my arms around the back of his neck wanting to be as close as I can as I possibly can. Jeongguk breathes me in and I swear even after all of this time I’m made for him. “Gguk” I pull back but his mouth follows “Shh” he whispers tipping my head back with right fingers on my jaw “do you know how long I’ve wanted to do this” he says attaching his lips to my neck. 

“It’s almost been a year Taehyung. A year since you resurfaced bring back all the anger and malice I felt towards you” he growls nipping at my ear harshly “Ggukkie..” I arch my back into his touch “I wanted to hate you” he kisses me hard “wanted to hate you so bad but I couldn’t” he kisses up my jaw “then I found out why you did what you did and I was hurting so bad” kisses up my nose and eyebrows and I breathe, pulling him closer by the collar of his shirt. Don’t stop Gguk, please let it all out “it was like I mourned it all again, you, me, our relationship. I was so angry all over again” he leans his forehead against mine breathing heavily and I take him in my arms “I’m so sorry, I can’t say anything else to make this better baby, I hurt you and that hurts more than anything”

For the rest of the car ride we just stare into each other’s eyes, silence but yet so loud. Me just sitting on his lap, his arms tightening like I’m about to bolt at any second “Can home with me?” He asks and I lean back, his eyes hold so many things, so many emotions. I might be about to make a mistake but even after all this time, after everything that has happened, I’d still do anything he asked. “Take me home Gguk”

“It’s been a really long time since you’ve had a break, you should just rest” I mumble as Jeongguk let’s us in… to his ridiculous apartment “holy hell, Jeongguk there is no reason one man needs this much space” I turn around in awe. 

It really just goes to show how far he’s come and god damn this kid makes me so proud.. “oh hi” I turn around and he’s right there. He just stands there smiling and I swear to god I see that 19 year old boy standing right in front of me. Only he’s not that boy, too much has happened and he looks very exhausted. 

I cup his cheeks and he rubs his face on my hands, “let’s go to bed” I take his hand and start leading him like I know where the fuck I’m going “it’s this way T” he giggles but my heart soars. It feels all too real and I’m not delusional enough to think we can go back to the way it was because that’s not possible. Even If Jeongguk somehow decides that he can forgive me his status is way too advance, we couldn’t date, oh and I’m his makeup artist “stop thinking” he bumps me and I look at him in the mirror, small droplets of toothpaste on his chin. 

I wash my mouth out and turn to him to kiss it off. He spits his toothpaste out and tries to kiss my properly but I shake my head “nu-uh. Finish getting ready, I’m borrowing a shirt” I walk out of his bathroom to his drawers and Jeongguk wasn’t lying when he said nothing’s changed, it might be in a new setting and he definitely has more money but he’s still the same old person. I lie on his bed and sigh, thinking of Mom. 

We weren’t meant to be coming home until tomorrow but we managed to catch the red eye and I just can’t wait to see her. It’s pitch black when I feel the bed dip and my breathing ceases. It’s been so long, does he still sleep shirtless? “Why does this feel so right?” He whispers laying there, I can feel him with every breath I take but he doesn’t move. I understand what he’s saying because it does feel right, scarily so. 

I don’t say anything and try to even out my breathing, there’s so much we need to talk about but I don’t know if it should be said tonight “what happened after?” He whispers into the darkness, I guess we’re doing this now then. 

I roll towards him and he does the same “I was a mess. My mom was a mess. Our whole world turned upside down. Gguk we thought we were just going in to here his will. We left the meeting finding out he had a whole separate family” I curl into Gguk and I feel his arm winding around my waist “Jeongguk his kids were babies” he freezes and I sigh. 

Still to this day I wonder how he could have possibly done it, he was home with Mom all the time. He was a great husband and the best dad I could’ve ever dreamt of “he was my best friend and then I felt like my whole life was a lie and it all just got ripped out from underneath me” anything that I felt, my Mom felt it ten times worse “I didn’t have time to hurt, I had Mom breaking down every couple of hours” my hands find his ear and I feel him smile at me, I love his ears “It didn’t hit me that you were gone for months but when it did fuck it hurt” Jeongguk tenses and I just keep massaging his ear “keep going, tell me everything. If we’re going to move forward, I want to know it all”

I blink in his direction and nod “it would just hit me at the most random times, I’d hear your voice or one of the songs or just walking down the street and someone would say your name and that was it” I pause, taking a deep breath “what happened baby?” I stop rubbing his ear “I’d stop eating, I wouldn’t leave the house.   
I used to wake up screaming your name..” his arms tighten around me and I sigh “maybe I should stop?” I ask pressing my lips to his forehead but he shakes his head “I was in a really dark place, the University allowed me to have all of my studies online because of my situation and by the time I was ready to come back to school, you were gone. 

Senior year came and went, I had zero confidence and most days just wanted it to end and then you amazingly had your breakthrough, I was so happy for you” his fingers play with the small skin at my hips and it grounds me “I can’t believe how strong you are” he whispers and I stop “I was not strong” if only he had knew how bad it was “but you are Taehyung, you might not see it but you are. You wanted it to end but it didn’t, you got up and you got through it, you help your Mom through it to all on your own. How do you not see it?” He’s right on some point, we had little help, of course we had friends and the lawyers helped out a lot but it was just Mom and I. 

“I wanted to call you so bad” I whisper “I wanted you so bad Gguk. I just knew you’d make it all better” I sigh, that’s exactly why I couldn’t reach out “I would’ve dropped it all to see you smile. I would’ve held your hand through the funeral, through all of the court sessions. I would’ve been there every time you woke up screaming. Please believe that I would’ve moved mountains to have been there when you pulled yourself up and started putting your life back together”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a kudos and comment if you like. Thanks for reading 🖤


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ps warning ⚠️ smut at the end of the chapter

_“Back from there sold out astronomical world tour and their first home concert in seven months BTS”_

The roar knocks the wind out of my chest, the most purest and happiest thing I’ve ever heard. I stand on the side with my jaw dropped. Thousands and thousands of faces, screaming, jumping, crying. They’re seeing their boys for the first time in months, my concentration moves to the members. Joy coming of each and every one of them, smiles ear to ear without messing a beat. I’m bouncing on my toes from just watching them, they’re hard work and dedication never fails to amaze. The sheer love and respect they have for their fans and never wanting to let them down. 

“Okay and they’re off in 30 seconds. Stylist touch up quick” I blink and it’s all happening again, I love it. The bustling back stage, people running and water bottles being thrown, the stage guys working diligently every second of the day. “Pretty hot huh?” I squat in front of Jeongguk as one of the stylists wipe sweat off of that sexy forehead. His eyes darken and I smile smugly, someone else runs over with a hair dryer and I untuck the shirt from his tight jeans. No one misses the small gasp when I undo his button but I just wink and shove the hair dryer under his shirt. 

Besides the obvious sweat rolling down his face, his make up is impeccable and I thank god for waterproof makeup. I roll a cotton tip under his eyes. So _so_ beautiful. I swallow hard and scold myself in my head, a lip balm is placed in my hands and his cute lips are already puckered for me. Fuck I just want to kiss him right now “20 seconds guys” I snap out of my Jeongguk haze and I see him smirking at me “get your butt back out there. Be good” I push him in the direction of the stage and he laughs.

“How’s your Mom?” Sejin Hyung asks and I smile “she’s doing so well, thank you for the week off Hyung. I spent every minute with her”

_I’m home, I silently toe off my shoes and enter the house. Fuck it smells like her so much, I stand in the foyer of our house just inhale the familiar smell. I missed you so much “Momma?” I call out and I hear her scream of surprise “my baby?” A second later I’m in my favourite place in the world, her arms. She releases me and from arms length I take her in, still as beautiful as ever, still as strong as ever. I missed you so much “I missed you Mom” her eyes water and she squeezes me “I missed you so much my son. Look at you, they’re feeding you so well. My handsome boy” she pinches my cheeks and I sigh “how’ve you been?” I ask and we sit and just talk. For hours, and in the next few days we just lay together, I tell her my tour stories and she tells me hers. My arms tighten around her “I’m going to be alright Gguk, I’ve got the best thing to fight for” she looks down at me and smiles._

“You deserved it Tae, we all did. That was one hell of a job” he says tiredly but he’s happy and so proud. “The award season is coming up, it’ll be the biggest one yet” he says and I nod “What do you need?” I ask looking at him “one stylist for each member, their own one. It’s going to be so busy, I want the members to know exactly have they need to go to if somethings wrong” fair enough request I think “the boys will be so busy in the next six weeks, can I ask a favour?” He says and I blink at him and nod “can you keep an eye on Jeongguk?” I swallow, my eyes shifting right away to find him “is something wrong?” I answer without looking back to him “I don’t know but somethings different and he trusts you more than anyone else on the team” my heart twists but still I agree right away. I’m not letting him get away again.

“You did so well bubba” I sigh when he opens the door to his apartment. My mind is reeling from the management meeting we just had, the next two months no one is going to have a second to breathe. I feel completely at ease as soon as I see his face “get in here” he pulls me further into the room and I wrap my arms around his neck. Giggling, his feet trip up underneath him and all of the sudden we’re hurdling towards the ground. Gguk wraps one arm around my head and one around my torso, holding me to him. We land with a crash and a series of moans and groans, Gguk breaking my fall.  
“Jeongguk” I wiggle out of his grip and look down at him with a frown “you don’t save me you idiot, I’m supposed to save you” I run my finger tips over his scalp, relieved there no bumps “are you okay?” I ask and he just smiles up at me dopey “I’ve never been better” he whispers, big hands on my hips. My fingers trace his eyebrows and then down the side of his face. Jeongguk’s breath hitches when my thumb drags along his bottom lip, mine hitches when he takes said thumb in his mouth and bites down slightly “how’re you feeling?” I ask with a raspy voice. 

Jeongguk always feels so self conscious after the first show, even though he has no reason too. Always pushing himself to the point of utter exhaustion. “I missed you” he says and I smile. I move to straddle him, making sure not to do so fully “it’s only been a week” I press my hands on his chest, his impressive chest. “That’s six days too long” he pouts and I can’t take it any longer, leaning forward I capture his lips. I swallow his moan, my hands sneaking into his hair, fingers scraping. Right now? In this moment, nothing matters. All at once I release him and sit up “Tae..” the buttons on his shirt go flying and his mouth drops “didn’t like that shirt anyway” he mumbles and I just stare at him below me. Now more than ever I wish I could just capture moments and just store them, somewhere I could come back to and relive over and over again because Jeongguk right now is fucking beautiful, his chiseled chest spatted with red, heat coming from his body, his breath coming in short erratic bursts. It might be the most hottest thing I’ve ever seen. “I think” he pushes out “I think my heart is going to explode” he says and I place my hand over his heart and sigh. This isn’t the idol Jeon Jeongguk right here splayed beneath me, this is just Jeonggukie. This is my everything.

“Okay boys, your first rehearsal for your first awards ceremony. Everyone be good and stay healthy, these next few weeks will be tough but I have no doubt in mind you’ll crush it” and so it begins, the boys are put with one head stylist for the season and I just so get Jeongguk. This is going to be fun “Gguk, shirt” the clothes stylist says and I advert my eyes when he strips down to his briefs, not because I don’t want to look but because I so want to look. The stylist gasps and I move her out of the way quickly “what the hell?” Jeongguk just stares at me, half his left side starting from the hip all the way to the middle of his spine is bruised black and blue “Jeongguk” the stylist says with a covered mouth “it’s just bruising noona, I fell and hit the table” I swallow, fingers touching his side gently and he flinches “sorry. I’ll tell Sejin, you can’t practice today” I stand up and Gguk frowns “Hyung that’s okay, I’m okay. I’ve already done a full work out today” I stop and look at him like he’s grown two heads. Is this kid superhuman? Does he not feel pain? No I’ve seen him in pain “Jeongguk look..” what if it’s not just bruising, it’s damn close to his spine what if something happened and he’s pushing himself on top of that “please just see the doctor and rest” I say more so then ask. Jeongguk goes to argue but I stop him “please? Two days, if it’s just bruising” I plead with my eyes, he would’ve never fallen if it hadn’t been for me, I didn’t even know we hit the table “fine, two days” he pouts and it takes everything in me to not just kiss it off his face “Byeol, can you go get Sejin?” She nods and leaves and I turn him around again to look at the bruise “you’re insane Jeon Jeongguk, you let me sit on you for like thirty minutes” I slap the back of his head and he flinches looking at me through the mirror with a sly smile “I was more worried about what you were sitting on then a sore back”. I shake my head, eyes connected “but seriously Hyung, I’m fine. It was an accident” I massage his shoulders and nod “don’t worry, I’ll come around tonight to help you ice it”.

The next month flies by and with a blink of an eye there whole concept and routine is just about finished. Demi gods, let me tell you it fits them to a tea. They’re getting stronger every time they practice the full performance and I still stand on the side stage like a proud mom every single time. In between full day practices they have fan meets and sponsor ads and live videos and time just passes by with such speed I can’t catch my breath. My mom is on her what hopefully is her last round of chemotherapy and her spirits are the highest I’ve seen yet, there was never a doubt in my mind where I thought she wouldn’t beat this. So in short, everything’s perfect.

“It’s your day off today” he mentions as I sit on his lap, I take a spoon of cereal that he’s holding and put it in my mouth “mmhm so do you” every chance we get it’s like this. Me in his lap, on his bed, in his clothes. My fingers dance up his arm, into the slope of his collar bone and up his neck, I really love his neck. He bends his neck a little and I smile, he loves when I touch his neck. “Hmm not really, I have a fan meet tonight” I pause, and look at the clock two o’clock, he won’t need to leave until about five. Plenty of time “Hyung forgot about this one” he pouts, for the first time in over a month I thought I had him all night. Should’ve known better. 

My fingers dig into the flesh at his throat just a little, enough for his black eyes to darken even further. I shuffle on his lap to fully straddle and his oversized shirt rides up a little on my thighs, he notices and he takes his bottom lip between his lips. I tut and move to release it “that’s my job” I lean down and bite his lip, hard. He sucks in a sharp breath and his blunt fingers scratch at my thigh. I roll my hips just once but it’s enough to feel everything. I take both his hands in mine and place them at my hips “don’t move” I warn and he nods “such a good boy. My good boy right?” I nip at his shoulder and he nods again “words Jeongguk” I stop and wait “yours, only yours” he rasps out and I smile almost giddy, never getting tired of hearing it “that’s right” I suck his ear and his hands turn into fists. Taking my shirt in my hands, it’s gone in a second. 

My skin burns hot and I feel him staring “don’t move” I warm again both hands on his cheeks, I press my forehead to his, our breaths meeting in the middle “Tae..” I shh him with my lips, taking advantage of his surprise. My control freak boy, he tries to fight for dominance and we both know he can take me in a second but when I’m in charge. I’m. In. Charge so I fight back, hard. Our tongues swirl and dance and I press my hips down and roll, throwing the holy grail. His head falls back with a groan and I giggle “so sexy” I trail my fingers down right to his waistband and I first the material of his shirt. I look back to him with a raised eyebrow, my boy using all of his self control. The vein in his neck pulsing, I put him out of his misery and rip it over his head and without another second my mouth latches on this tiny pink nipple “fuck” he grounds out “yeah? You wanna?” I pop the button of his jeans with one hand “you want to split Hyung in two? Right here on the dining table?” I whisper just as I reach in to palm his cock, his eyes somehow darken even further and his mouth lols open. 

My resolve dwindling by the minute just from the sheer want on his face “what’d you say baby? You gonna _ruin_ me?” I squeeze once more and he snaps, I’m thrown over his shoulder and then a second later I’m thrown onto the middle of his bed. _Yes,_ I scream in my head, maybe out aloud. My sweat pants are gone and his jeans kicked off and he stands there, both of us completely naked, chests rising and falling and right in this second I’m completely and irrevocably in love with this man, always have been. He growls “my baby” he whispers harshly before attacking my neck, I give him better access and reach out for anything when I feel him mark me, _yours._

 _  
_ “Jeonggukie..” I arch my back as he moves down my body, begging “what do you want?” He asks with a hoarse voice and I think it’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard “you. I want you to fuck me” _only you._ He hovered over me, staring so intently and I bite my lip nodding. His eyes follow and I find my self flipped over and a pillow pushed up under me. The thousand thread caressing me and before I can even take the breath, it’s taken involuntarily when I hear a loud crack, the stinging sensation coming a second later. I cry out and push my ass back “you were such a boss back there Hyung” he says with what I’ve come to know as his sex voice, his hand gently rubbing the reddening area and I squeeze my eyes shut “look at you now, ass red and begging for my cock” he drags a finger over my hole and I whimper, desperately pushing back until I feel the pressure. 

Simultaneously we both moan when he pushes the first finger in, he works it in and out and not before long he adds another one and then another one. I’m almost a mess, his sheet definitely are “Jeonggukie please..” I need more, I need it all. “Hmm? I could do this all day. Taking my fingers so well Hyung” he says and I mumble something back, trying to gather every ounce of control I have “it’s a pity that I want this ass too much, I really think I could make you cum like this, no?” He curls his fingers inside my and I howl, my back arching. _Yes._ “fucking beautiful” he mutters and I cry out when he removes his fingers a once “my impatient baby” I can here the smile in his voice, can feel my ass clenching around nothing, and then it’s not.

I’m consumed by him, every single inch of me feels him. We become one and I never want it to end “fuck” he growls in my ear and I crane my neck to see him “kiss me Jeongguk” I beg and somehow he manages to kiss the fuck out of me while absolutely ruining me. I arch my back impossibly further and he hits my prostate every time with the new angle “yes Gguk, more. Faster” I mumble out words not even knowing if they’re correct or not. 

Then the fucker takes my hands and locks them at the base of my back, my face pushed into the bed. Nothing compares, nothing has ever compared, Jeongguk knows my body inside and out and no amount of time will ever change that, this body is his for the taking and he’s damn sure taking it. I’m close, so fucking close and my little energiser bunny pistoles in and out of me at a jarring pace I’m losing my fucking mind “cl.. close.. so close Gguk” I scream when he hits it every single time “unghhh” Jeongguk snaps his hips one last time and I’m fucked. He jack hammers a few more times before he bites down on my shoulder and I fucking come again, Jeongguk stills completely milking himself, I feel myself clenching around him and he just collapses. “My god Hyung” he pulls out of me and I turn my head to look at him. His post coital state is something truly amazing and I fall in love all over again when he pushes back the sweat slicked hair from my forehead and my eyes flutter. He gets up and I reach out blindly for him “I’m just going to start a bath” I smile contently. I sigh and flinch with the already sore muscle.

“Come on baby” I feel him pick me up bridal style and I just rest my head on his chest. I never want to be anywhere else in the world then right here. I completely relax as he lowers us into the hot water, I curl into him and he runs my fingers down his back. Everything was perfect, so perfect in fact that neither of us saw it unraveling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly not sure how many chapters left 🤔  
> Hope you enjoyed, kudos and comments appreciated


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry

They win, they keep on winning. Shocking the nation, shocking the entire world, the members receive every big award. I’m watching from the waiting room, my eyes zeroed in on one person only. He’s exhausted, sweat dripping down his forehead but he bounces on his toes and clutches his leaders back, hiding behind it. They can’t believe either. The atmosphere back stage is crazy, Hyejin grabbing and squeezing my hand “they’re gonna do it Tae, they’re going to get them all” she whispers and I nod, everyone of Big Hit’s staff is crowding around in our tiny room, all of their back up dancers who just left the stage looking so proud are all crammed into the room. We all wait on baited breath, the presenters open up the envelope. Oh god I’m going to be sick, _“Artist of the Year..”_ come on, just say it _“Bangtan Sonyedeon”._ I collapse on the couch, relief and the overwhelming proudness consuming me. All hell breaks loose in the room and I just sit and stare at the tv, tears in my eyes as I watch all seven make it back to the stage. Seven years ago I watched this exact moment in my mother’s sobbing arms, seven years ago in this exact moment I lost myself. Right here, right now I know exactly who I am. Kim Taehyung, Head make up stylist at Big Hit Entertainment and the person who is without a doubt, head over ass in love with Jeon Jeongguk. Someone pulls me up from the couch and I’m brought into the biggest group hug, screaming and crying, our blood, sweat and tears are up on that stage right now changing the world. Jeongguk’s voice penetrates all of the madness “to all of the people working behind the scenes, who work along side us tirelessly, who don’t leave until we’ll after we do. Who care for us and make sure we eat. Our stylists and managers. This is for you too” _my baby._

I don’t see him, I never expected to but my heart still clenches. I lay in bed that night wired and in no way ready to sleep, I go to the one and only place I want to be, Jeongguk.

Jeongguk gave me his door code long ago, I’ve never used it on my own but I just want to be with him right now, I need to be with him. Dressed in all black like a fucking criminal I sneak over to my boyfriends house. I pause standing outside of his building with a bag of shit I just picked up from a convenience store, is he even my boyfriend? We’ve not yet clarified it and it’s something that causes me pressure everyday. Jeongguk manages to reassure me every time without using the actual terms. I don’t even think to listen for noise, Jeongguk should be passed out by now. I smile, my heart racing at the thought of sliding into his bed and just holding him. Only I enter the code and realise really quick that he’s not alone. Everybody in his apartment stops to look at me. I notice most of the members straight away, in my shock some other idols stand out. Yoongi Hyung flinches when he sees me and my heart drops, Jeongguk is the last person I see and I can’t breathe. He’s talking to some idol from some girl group and I swallow hard my hands shaking, do I just turn around? The look in his eyes rooting me to the ground, he’s not my Jeonggukie right now, he is Jeon Jeongguk and by the way his hand clenches around the glass he’s holding and his eyes drop so does my stomach. “Hey man, these guys got you still working?” Some one asks me, I don’t really care for who it was but I chuckle, one that was almost hurtful to push out. I can hear people whispering, wondering why his stylist was here at this hour, _his stylist._ His members look from me to Jeongguk with worried eyes and I smile my most genuine smile and hold up the bad with absolute shit in it, thankful for the colour of it “the job never stops right? I thought you might need this Jeongguk. Never mind, I’ll see you tomorrow. Enjoy your night” I bow slightly before retreating so fast my head spins. He doesn’t call for me, he doesn’t try to stop me.

The elevator takes what feels like hours and I roughly wipe away the fucking tears no one asked for. I run from his building like it’s on fire. I throw the bag in the bin and walk around like a fucking idiot. My heart is beating so fast, what the fuck did I just do? I’m just the stylist what gives me any right to just walk into his place like that. “Taehyungie..” my head whips so fast to the person calling my name I swear I put my neck out. Yoongi Hyung comes out of the darkness “oh Hyung?” I can’t help but feel the disappointment “you okay?” He asks squatting next to me. I’m great, so great “I’m okay Hyung, you didn’t need to come down” I say softly. Jeongguk did.

“I just wanted to check on you” he says and I smile gratefully “can I ask you a question Hyung?” I play with the frayed parts of my ripped jeans “of course” I look up into the other mans eyes. “Did he even try looking for me?” I ask. It’s something that’s always been on my mind. I dropped off the corner of the earth seven years ago but we were in love right? I broke it off with him of course so I don’t really know what I’m expecting the answer to be. We were young and in love, obviously I didn’t expect him to chase me. Especially not with his growing status. I left him but I can’t help but think of this, did he look for me? My fathers shit was on every news site, on ever social media page, de he notice any of it? He knew my parents names. He said he loved me but he just let me go. “Tae..” Yoongi’s eyes cloud over and I nod “don’t answer that. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have even asked. Go back upstairs Hyung. Goodnight” I leave him standing there and I just run and run until I can’t breathe anymore.

I can’t believe I had been this stupid, this naïve. What had I think was going to be different this time around? If anything, it was going to be ten times worse. His growth and status had grown ten fold, who the fuck was I kidding.

When I get home I quietly slide into my Moms bed “Taetae?” I wrap my arms around her tiny figure “oh my baby” she whispers just loud enough to break the dam walls. That night I tell her everything. I tell her about the boy that owned my heart, I tell her how I ended it to look after the both of us, I tel her how her son is not worthy of this boy “don’t say another word, who do you take your mother for huh?” She shakes me and I look into her eyes “you really think I didn’t know? You were three hours away not thirty, I heard in your voice every time I spoke to you. Every time I saw you I knew someone had your heart. That night your father died, you were staring at the TV and you said his name. In your most hurtful state you mumbled his name, you wanted him” she runs her fingers under my wet eyes “I just knew this boy was the one who had your heart. That this boy was worthy of your heart. Not the other way around Kim Taehyung”

He texted, I didn’t have the stomach look at them. When I walked into the building the next day I felt sick. “Hyejinah, I fucked up so bad” she takes me into an empty room and I break down, again. “Oh Tae” she clutches my hand, eyes turn down. “He didn’t say anything? Nothing?” She asks and I remember his face “he couldn’t look me in the eye” he really couldn’t and I hate myself that I even put him in that situation “stop” Hyejin says and I look at her “stop blaming yourself, it’s not your fault” I don’t believe her.

My breath hitches when I see him, so beautiful as ever “Tae” his voice croaks and I don’t look him in the eye, I physically can’t “hey” I whisper back, dropping my case on the ground, sitting right in front of him. Everything is tense, it’s like as soon as I walked in, the air in the room got sucked up, every single member saw me standing at his door acting like I belonged there, what an idiot. The hair stylist is working on his hair, I can feel his eyes burning on me skin, his hands fisted at his thighs. Mine shake when dab on the first bit of concealer. I breathe out heavy “close your eyes please Jeonggukssi” I whisper and he looks hurt, the stylist pauses mid hairspray. I’ve never ask him to close his eyes

Days go by, the boys have back to back schedules. It still hurts every time I see him, every time I touch him. It’s so fucking hard and I have half a mind telling me to swap members right now. None the less I straighten my shoulders, I paint his face every day, I help him dress and put on his jewellery, I tie up those monster boots with my heart in my throat. He’s struggling too, I can tell and it breaks my heart even more.

“Yoongi Hyung, can I talk to you?” I ask and he nods “of course” I sit in front of him and pull out some products, might as well kill two birds with one stone “do I leave?” I ask and Yoongi freezes “what?” He asks like he didn’t hear me properly “do I quit Hyung, do you not see what I’ve done? Can’t you tell how tense everyone is, why am I not even fired yet?” I drop my head and take a breath “Tae” I shake my head “I see how much this is affecting him too. He’s making mindless mistakes and he’s barely smiling” I sigh and Yoongi looks at me with sad eyes “you’re not fired because Jeongguk is willing to walk if anything happened to you” I hear the words, I see them coming out of his mouth but nothing makes sense. I stare at Yoongi because I’m sure he didn’t say what I think I heard him say. The brush falls from my failing fingers “what did you just say?” I ask, my mouth feeling like I swallowed a whole lot of cotton. Yoongi frowns and my heart drops, no _no._ This cannot happen, this is exactly what I was afraid the first time “Taehyung, you need to take a breath” _No_ , I need to find Jeongguk and tell him what an idiot he is, that he can’t just put his whole career on the line, how could he be so reckless? “Taehyung!” I leave the room in a panic. I need to find Jeongguk.

I wait for him at his apartment, well in the lobby anyway. I can’t build up enough courage to go up there, he’s at dinner with the members anyway. I shuffle around the expensive building, the security guard eyeing me. How long does it take to eat? I mumble “Tae?” My head shoots up and shocker, nothing’s changed, he still manages to blow me away with his mere presence “we need to talk” is all I say and his eyes widen before nodding “come on” he nods to the elevators and I follow after him. It’s funny how silence can be deafening “listen Tae..” I stop him with a hand “just don’t say anything yet. Give me another minute” I breathe in deeply and I can feel him tensing “I miss you” he says and my resolve breaks. “I miss you too” I look into his dark eyes and jump when the doors open and I leave him standing in the elevator. Now I don’t bother with building courage and key in the passcode. I pace the living room and he’s silent “how could you?” I ask all of the sudden “ten years of work just gone like that huh? Ten years of your members blood sweat and tears, ready to throw it all away. For what? For me?” I scoff “why?”

“Why did you let me go?” I ask and his eyes soften and he takes the remaining steps between us “because I was so stupid Hyung, I was young and hurt. You broke my heart and I couldn’t see past that. I should’ve done everything I could have to keep you, I should’ve been right by your side for every single second, if you wanted me or not. I should have fought for you” he grabs my shoulders shaking me a little “why you? Why would I throw it all away for you? Because I fucking love you Kim Taehyung. I don’t need this big house or those cars downstairs. I don’t want all of this if it’s at the cost of you” he spits out “god don’t you understand. I have everything I want except you” he pushes me back “none of this matters if I don’t have you to share it with” another step back and my heart races “you made the shots last time, you got to cut off this relationship and I just let you” my back hits the wall and we’re both breathing too heavy “it’s not happening again. We’re not young and dumb anymore, we’re going to sort this out like adults and then I’m going to spend the rest of our lives showing you how much you are worth” my eyes water and my breath catches but there’s one thing I’ve been dying to say “I love you too”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise double chapter post.  
> I think there might be only one chapter left.  
> Comments and kudos appreciated


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry I almost abandoned this :( I couldn’t do that to our babies. I really hope I did the characters justice, I really hope you enjoy 
> 
> This is all just soft stuff 🖤

He tells the company and I pack my shit. “Don’t you think you’re jumping the gun a little Taehyungie? You don’t know what they’ll say yet” Hyejin mumbles, looking at me with sad eyes, the same eyes I return because we both know that I’m done here. I can’t be both Big Hits head stylist and Jeon Jeongguk’s boyfriend, so I had to choose. There was only one choice for me.

I tried using sex, well, more sex to keep him in bed this morning. Begging him with my lips kissing so slowly across his pelvis not to walk out of the room. Not to burst our perfect bubble we’ve been in for a month now. The boys had some unexpected time off, Jeongguk spent so many nights barefoot in my kitchen following Mom around with big bunny eyes. I sat there watching with so much love and adoration as the two most important people in my life bonded. I knew life had to go on, so when Bangtan started schedule again last week I begrudgingly shuffled back into Kim Taehyung mode, him Jeon Jeongguk and we went to work. 

Jeongguk more so, found it very difficult to keep his hands off of me so the man told me last night while his was three fingers deep that today was the day he was telling the company about us. 

_“Isn’t it about time the world knows baby? It’s seven years too late if you ask me?” He smirks, curling his fingers and I huff, clenching. “You bastard, why would you choose this time to tell me huh? We had all night, hell you couldn’t wait until you finished stuffing my ahhhh” I moan, my back coming off the bed and I glare at his stupidly handsome face “you fucker” his fingers retreat and I whine this time, Jeongguk throws his head back laughing and I’m about to lose my shit at him when I feel his tip at my entrance. “The world will know soon enough my baby boy, I’ll start with the company tomorrow. The rest will come later. You and I now, I’m not letting anymore time pass where you’re not with me”._

I begged him to let me come. He walked out of his apartment with me clutching on to him “you’re not the only one in this relationship. I should be there” I stood in the elevator with a pout and he smiles, his black eyes sparkling “you’re so fucking cute” he brings his hand up and retracts my bottom lip from my teeth “I should’ve told them from the start. Let me handle this bub” my frown deepens “I should have told them from the start Gguk, they hired me and I deceived them this whole time” I whine but he just shut me up with his lips. Promising me everything is going to be okay.

How could he promise me such things when we both know that somethings got to give. It wasn’t hard for me to come to terms with me losing my job. If I’ve learnt anything is that time is the only thing that’s guaranteed in this world. That fucker never stops. I freeze when my phone pings, I look at Hyejin and she’s one second away from crying and I sigh “they want to see me, alright. It’s time” I take a deep breath and head to the managers studio. My heart clangs around in my chest painfully. My arm feels heavy when I bring it up to the door to knock. An assistant opens it, the pity in her eyes makes my heart race even more. _Jeon Jeongguk._

 _  
_ My eyes zero in on his, he’s frustrated, maybe even cried a little and nothing else mattered in that second. My feet take me to him before my brain can even comprehend, he’s upset. He looks up at me with wide eyes “are you okay?” I ask, cradling his face “I told you I wanted to come with you Gguk. It’s okay, we’ll be okay” I say nodding and his eyes soften before they trail from mine, looking around the room “uh, Tae?” He stammers out and my hands drop from his face. My wits return real fast and I turn to face everyone in the room. My face burns and I bend 90 degrees at the waist, bowing “I’m sorry” I apologise and Sejin-Hyung smiles “it’s okay Taehyungssi, take a seat please” he says and I nod stiffly. I’m mortified when I go to sit on Jeongguk’s lap and quickly plant my ass in the seat beside him. The rest of the members are here, their faces annoyingly unreadable. The entire management team is here along with the man I’ve not had much to do with but the man my and maybe Jeongguk’s career depends on. Bang Si Hyuck, the boss man people call him. The CEO. I swallow when I meet his eyes, which are might I say, kind looking? I release a breath out of my nose and blindly reach for Jeongguk’s hand. 

I release it in the next breath because it’s wildly inappropriate but Jeongguk takes it back, his slender fingers clasping mine. Everyone stares. No one talks. Am I supposed to say something? I have no clue but I do anyway “Jeongguk was freshly eighteen when we met” I start, swallowing when everyone’s eyes are on me “I was so hell bent on getting through Uni, starting work with my father right away that nothing else mattered. My life was set, I’d take over the family company. That was all I knew. Until he showed up” I sigh, my head turning to look at the love of my life. You could possibly hear a pin drop in this room, the only thing I hear is the sound of my heart beat, beating in my ears. I turn back to the group “he pulled the rug out from beneath me, he had me wishing for things I’ve never had before. Jeongguk was truly the only person who saw me for me. He is a fundamental part in the man I am today” his hand squeezed mine and I smile “Jeonggukie made me a better person” I look at him again, heart pounding when I see his eyes fill with tears “so when my life fell apart, I wanted nothing more then to run into his arms. It was the night the boys won their first daesang” I pause, breathing deeply “it was the worst night of my life but as I watched him walk across the stage to accept the award, I felt happy” Jeongguk sniffles beside me and I suppress a laugh, my hand releasing his to wipe a run away tear off his face “I was so happy I had to let him go. I couldn’t be the reason the world didn’t get to experience his greatness, I wouldn’t allow my dark shadows to dim his beautiful ones” I say looking right into his eyes. “I’m sorry for deceiving you all and I wish nothing more for your success” I say nodding to the CEO “please look after my Jeonggukie” I whisper.

Telling the world was a lot harder. Jeongguk drops the bomb and everyone goes into attack mode straight away. Alone at night I sit there with my heart in my throat reading some comments from their fans. I bite my knuckles in order to keep quiet. I rip my eyes away from the laptop when Jeongguk sighs in his sleep, his arms wrapping around my thigh. _My sweet boy._ I bite my lip, ever so gently carding my fingers through his messy curls. _I’m sorry, my love._ He’s hurting, not being able to openly communicate with his fans right now, his army being able to ground him like no one else can. 

My heart breaks, the guilt is deafening. None of the boys are to go on social media right now, not until we know what the right move is next. This has never happened before, no one knows how to react but looking at some of these comments has me thinking if we made the right choice “baby… no” Jeongguk groans, slapping the laptop shut “you know you shouldn’t be looking at those… look at me” he says and my eyes find his “baby, nothing will make me doubt our decision. When did you want everyone to find out? When we’re walking down the isle? When your swinging our children around at the park? This is our time baby, I want to show you to the whole world. I want to show everyone _my world”_ I _melt,_ absolutely and understandably melt. My heart now rises instead of painfully throbbing. Jeonggukkie and I, we got each other and that’s that “weddings and kids huh?” I ask kissing him with everything that I am. _My world._

“Taehyungie, we need you” Hyejin yells at me through the phone and I stop in the middle of foot traffic “Jinnah? I can’t hear you… hold on” I try to find a quiet place quick, down a creepy ally “hey, what’s wrong?” I ask and frown when all I hear is commotion in the background “we need you Tae, everything’s a mess. Yoongi is going to go out of his mind if you don’t come save this shit show” she growls and my frown deepens, I’ve never heard her sound so frustrated, then I hear him. I hear the other half of my heart, somewhere in the background of chaos, he screams _“Taehyung, I need him. Now”_

“What the hell is going on?” I yell into the room and it goes silent all at one. It’s a mess, clothes thrown everywhere, silver jewellery glinting on every surface of the crowded room, assistants on the brink of crying, seven very frustrated idols, half dressed. _“Taehyung”_ someone groans out, I’m not sure who but I spring out. “Hyejin?” I question and the stylist just looks up at me helpless from where she’s pinning something on Joon’s ankle. “Okay, I’m going to need everyone to drop what they’re doing right now” everyone does “good, now take a breath” everyone breathes “okay, let’s get this done yeah? You’re on in 30?” I ask and a manager nods “we got this” I nod and move to the first member I see “thank god” Jiminah sighs and I make quick work of his pretty face, the stylist snaps into action and Jimin is done in no time. 

I move quick, each member more grateful then the next “thank you Taehyungie, we throw you out like nothing and you still come back to help us. You owe us nothing” I smile sweetly at Yoongi words and I hug the older man. “Hyung, I’d help you guys any day. We’re family” I say, meaning every single word.

I pause when I reach my man. _My man._ He’s looking up at me like I’m some superhero who’s just saved the entire world. “Can I help?” I ask with a smile and he nods silently, his bambi eyes glowing “please baby” he whispers and the whole room silences. My heart soars. I sit infront of him, knees touching. I dab the product on his blemish free face, his eyes following my every move “I feel like everyone is staring right now, do they think I’m going to jump you right here?” I ask and his eyes crinkle “you want to?” He asks and I throw my head back, laughing “idiot” he giggles and I punch his shoulder. I’m delaying finishing his makeup because I know I have to leave, this isn’t my job anymore. Jeongguk stands when I do and I wrap my pinky around his “I’ll see you later?” I ask and he nods “I’ll see you at _home”._

I don’t make it three steps out of the building before I hear my name being called “Hyung?” I say and the manager pauses “it’s obvious to everyone here today that your presence is very much needed. It’s not even about the makeup with you, you built rapport with the members that no one else ever will. If you want Taehyungie, we’d love to have you back”.

Our first date was… something. I was doubting myself, always on guard. Like I was ready to fight if something happened. Nothing happened, I just had this preconceived idea in my head that as soon as the world saw us together for the first time, the world would just somehow stop. That didn’t happen, it was just a lot of hushed whispers and curious stares. 

I felt like we were always being watched, most likely because we were. I couldn’t enjoy myself and Gguk felt bad, which made me feel bad. “I’m sorry, baby” I sigh, slipping my hand through his, waiting for our car to arrive “I’ve been so jumpy and always looking over my shoulder, worried the other shoe is about to drop when I should’ve just enjoyed our time together” I turn to him and into his arms “were able to leave the house and be together. I should consider myself lucky” I say and run my nose along his and he scrunches his nose up “it’ll take some time getting used to Hyung, thank you for trusting me enough to put yourself out here for the world to see” he gestures with his hands and I kiss his lips hastily “you and I together right?” I ask and Jeongguk straightens my jacket “forever and ever”.

They’re on tour and might I say it was magnificent being able to walk the streets of Paris holding my boyfriends hands without a care in the world. He twirled me around the streets of Sweden and we basked in the sun in some of Greece’s most beautiful beaches and I fell more in love with Jeon Jeongguk every day.

I made him and his members look fine in 20 different cities across the globe and then came back to Korea to move into our brand new home together.

Buying a house had never been so easy, Jeongguk was easy to please and we agreed on so much, I was definitely styling the house though, if it was up to him, we’d be living in an emo nineteen year olds bedroom.

I set up a room for my Mom who I made promise she’d stay in every week, even though she was hell bent on Jeonggukkie and I starting our own lives together.

Jeongguk carried out his end of year schedule and we made love in our bed every other night. Life couldn’t get more perfect.

It got more perfect.

“Jiminah… where the hell are you? You said to be at the stadium 15 minutes ago” I whine into the phone and Jimin laughs at the other end. I click my tongue, annoyed. I have so much to do I’m freaking out. The boys will be here soon and I need to get ready, what is Jimin planning? Bangtan is playing in their biggest venue to date. I sigh and look around the stadium, hundreds of people milling around, stage crews, managers, sound and lighting crew, security. This massive hall about to be filled to the brim “just one more minute Taetae. Go to the front stage” I frown again because I don’t think he realises how big this place actually is, it’s the _Olympic Stadium_ for Christ’s sake. 

I hang up on him and walk to the stage, the crew looking at me and smiling. As soon as I step onto the stage, everything falls quiet. My eyes zero in on the biggest screen in the stadium, where the photo Mom took of us months and months ago sit, the photo that sits so perfect in our home, on my phone screen, in my heart. The image capturing the absolute love and joy in my eyes, Jeongguk’s flushed face and scrunched nose staring into the lenses, his chin resting on my shoulder. I’m staring at him though, _my boy._ My eyes are sparkling as I look at the person I want to spend forever with. My hands wrapped around Jeongguk’s where they rest on my stomach. The picture moves and I startle when music hits my ears too. It’s a video, a video I know straight away. 19 and 21 year old Jeongguk and Taehyung, drunk and in love. We’re sitting outside of this very stadium eating some food we found in a truck. 

I watch the video with my heart in my throat _“Hyung?” Baby Jeongguk asks “hmm?” I hum back in rep and Jeongguk giggles. So cute. “Hyung I’m going to marry you one day. When the time is right” Jeongguk says so confidently and he turns the camera on me. I raise my eyebrows at him, swallowing the rice cake “yeah?” I ask somewhat hopefully and Jeongguk shakes the camera like he’s nodding. “Yep Hyung, when I can give you the world. I’m going to ask you to marry me in that very stadium right there”_

“Baby” my head follows in slow motion, finding his voice. The person who owns my heart, standing infront of me with tears in his eyes, he drops to his knee. “Even at nineteen I knew it was going to be you, I thought I could have given you the world all those years ago but I think everything happens for a reason. I love you Kim Taehyung, my heart beat outside of my body, the one I want to grow old with. Let me give you the world Hyung, will you marry me?” His voice breaks and I drop right in front of him. My hands wrapping around his neck, my lips slamming into his. “Yes” I breathe him in like it’s my first. His eyes fly open “yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes” I scream and fireworks erupt. Confetti falls and screams and shouts fill my ears. I fall into his lap, looking out to the arena and all our friends and family are there, yelling with joy, hugging each other. Hyejin has her arms around my mother, tears streaming down both their faces, Jeonggukie’s members and brothers hollering, love and proudness in each of their eyes. Their little one, grew up so perfect. Jeongguk’s Family, the Big Hit family, every single important person in our lives got to witness this. I look back at him “my baby” I ask, the smile hurting my face but never leaving “I love you so much Jeonggukkie, I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together”.

Time is one of those things that can either be a good thing or a big thing. Sometimes it can be both. Like the time we spent apart, it hurt, so, so much but now thinking back, we both grew stronger from it. We were so young back then, so much was going to happen, we weren’t strong enough. Now though? I ponder, while Mom ties my tie, staring at myself in the mirror, I believe we’re stronger than ever, ready to withstand anything that comes our way. I don’t think we could’ve achieved the greatness we’re destined for if we didn’t have our hardships, if we didn’t turn out to be the people we are now. “My handsome baby” she whispers, eyes cloudy, she runs her palm over the expensive material “I’m so proud of you, you know that right? I couldn’t be more so if I tried” her lip wobbles and mine matches “I do know, I’m so lucky I got to be your son. Everything I am, stems from you Mom. Thank you for helping me be the man I am today” I whisper, embracing my mother so tightly on my wedding day “come on son, let’s get you married”.

In all my years, I’ve never really though about my wedding day. All the times I’ve been a groomsmen, or the hundreds of times I’ve been apart of the stylist team. My own was just never given another thought. My groom though? It’s always been Jeon Jeongguk. There was never anyone else. My heart leaps and jumps in my chest as the grand doors open, there’s a lull come over the room, the blood rushes to my ears and like always, he is all I ever see. Jeon Jeongguk. 

Standing so perfect at the end of the isle that looks mikes away, the light shining down on him so right, making him look very much like the angel he is. His beautiful long curls tucked behind his ear on one side. His chiseled cheek bones higher than ever, his dark eyes twinkling. Soon enough, I’m standing right before him. The pastor talks but I might as well hear nothing. I just want to reach out and pull him into my arms and never let him go. “The two grooms have wrote their vows today. Jeongguk…” the pastor trails off and Jeongguk smiles at me, clearing his throat

“Kim Taehyung. Out of all the amazing people I’ve met in my life, your one of the best. That moment I saw you standing there on the front steps of the University I knew I found something special, something real. We grew and you loved and cherished me, I wanted to be better for you. We didn’t always have the good times, our very unconventional relationship was trying and then we spent so much time apart. The second my eyes found yours again, years later, I felt it for the second time. Love, pure and strong, real. My love for you is so strong and I hope it only gets stronger. In health and sickness, I’ll be there. Standing right next to you. I can’t wait to reach out strongest love yet” He finishes and a fat tear rolls down his face. I reach up to wipe it away, my hand lingering. 

My sweet, sweet boy. My heart rattles in my chest when I open my mouth “it’s hard to put into words how I feel sometimes. I’m a silent feeler, I like to feel my emotions on my own. My pain, or sorrow or even my happiness. I never really knew how to express those to others, until I met you. I wanted to share it all with you Gguk but most of all I wanted to know yours too. I wanted to feel your happiness, I wanted to take away your pain. There was just something so pure and unfiltered with you, I just simply loved who I was when I was with you. When we had to part, you took a lot of me without me even knowing, only putting me back together when we met again. I’m only ever whole when I’m with you. I want to share the rest of my life with you, the good and the bad, I can’t wait to watch you grow and raise our children together. I can’t wait to love you forever”

I can feel the tears falling and I don’t have a care in the world because I hear the pastors next words “I now pronounce… husband and husband” Jeongguk doesn’t wait a second longer before he sweeps me into his arms and seals the words in with a kiss so deep I feel it burned into my soul. He sets me back onto my feet, releasing my lips and leaning back ever so slightly, only a breath between us. Eyes shining we smile at each other “my husband” I whisper and his face crinkles “my husband”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is. Thank you for reading lovelies. Leave a comment, I hope the ending was okay. See you next time 🖤🖤

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos always appreciated. Let me know what you think


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